Breast Cancer Stage 4 My Journey

I'm on the fucking Verge. I'm on the fucking Verge. You have no idea how close I am to breaking. I'm about to fucking snap like a fucking weak-ass twig. I feel like everything that I touch is a failure.  A decision was made to not shine any light on me to not love me to not help me to not lead me in the right direction and I don't know why, I don't know what I've done to not be allowed to have any happiness in my life. A lost soul  left to wander aimlessly. It hurts so bad to love with all your heart and not have that love returned. I don't want to make things worse because as bad as it is and as close as I am to tipping over the edge I know that he can make it worse and I really don't want that because if it got any worse if it got any worse then how it is now, I don't think anything can help me or stop me from doing something permanent and even though nothing is going right in my life my son means everything to me and I really really really don...

Wide awake. Can't sleep. So you get this.  I was on Facebook a lot (what's new) and I had gotten good at playing Texas Hold'em (I was in the millions!) Anyhow, I liked playing the tournament's because first of all,  you don't get players hoping on and off the table. Once you get a full table the game begins and no one else is allowed on. One by one players get outplayed and they are removed automatically from the table. Second of all, I'm competitive by nature, in a passive aggressive kind of way I guess. Who knew? I'm one of the sweetest persons you'll ever meet. I mean, it is online after all with total strangers. I love that you get to play with other people. Like, real life people who have to have a Facebook account to play. You could even "chat" with them in real time during the game. Become facebook friends even.        Well, these tournaments are tables of mostly men. Of course they always want to chat me up because I have a cute ...

I'm her2+ and on herceptin, perjeta and taxotere. I've been getting chemotherapy infusions every 3weeks since the end of May. So that makes over 9 months. My cancer has shrunk since December but my oncologist wants me to continue with chemo. I'm so tired of being sick every three weeks for an entire week. Yes, I feel some symptoms are lighter than what they were in the beginning but I still have them. I'm still miserable, fatigued, body ach, bone ache, stomach ache, fever flashes, dizzy, unbalanced, nauseous, muscles twisting, cramping etc etc. Don't get me wrong. I'm so ever grateful for each day I'm alive but sometimes I'm just so tired. That's all. Rants over.

Well, I've just completed round 14 of my chemotherapy regime. Labs look great and my cancer marker is at 8.8 which is awesome! After explaining that my symptoms are still pretty rough and last a whole week with 3 days being the worst she frowned and seemed genuinely concerned that my body hasn't gotten used to it more. I don't think I voiced this to her much because I figured it was normal. This is all new to me so how was I to know. We'll, she said since my cancer has shrunk and my markers are way down and my labs always look great she is considering dropping the taxotere. This is the one that's causing the majority of my symptoms! Once dropped my symptoms should be much more bareable and even lighten drastically! At least this is typical in most cases. I can't wait! Oh happy day! Maybe one or two more cycles and then she'll drop the taxotere. That's the plan anyways. Eeek! I'm so excited and it makes this and the next couple chemos bitter sweet. I...

My last CT showed NED (no evidence of disease). I had mets to lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver, right lung and bones (spine). My oncologist still wants me to continue perjeta, herceptin, taxotere, zometa and steroids. I guess to keep up the momentum? I'm sooooo tired of being sick for an entire week. Actually this last time is over a week. It's so depressing. I get my infusion every 3 weeks. I'm just tired and frustrated. I know I need to look at the silver lining...NED. Chemotherapy Treatment Fund  Click here for 1st option :) Click here for 2nd option :)