What does depression look like?

I'm on the fucking Verge. I'm on the fucking Verge. You have no idea how close I am to breaking. I'm about to fucking snap like a fucking weak-ass twig. I feel like everything that I touch is a failure.  A decision was made to not shine any light on me to not love me to not help me to not lead me in the right direction and I don't know why, I don't know what I've done to not be allowed to have any happiness in my life. A lost soul  left to wander aimlessly. It hurts so bad to love with all your heart and not have that love returned. I don't want to make things worse because as bad as it is and as close as I am to tipping over the edge I know that he can make it worse and I really don't want that because if it got any worse if it got any worse then how it is now, I don't think anything can help me or stop me from doing something permanent and even though nothing is going right in my life my son means everything to me and I really really really don't want him to lose his mother because I know it will devastate him and just knowing the hurt in his eyes and the devastation that I would cause him I can't imagine him going through his life knowing that I was weak and pushed to the point where I could not go on another fucking minute so I may look like I'm okay on the outside but you have no fucking idea the turmoil the depression the sorrow the sadness all the weeping I've done for what my life is now. A fucking failure in everything. I haven't been able to do anything right in my life. Nothing.

A dark, wispy silhouette gracefully follows me, just trailing beside me. Inviting me and offering me comfort and solace in his embrace. I want to lay down in its darkest shadow and rest. My son comes to mind and I'm distracted.

So now I wipe my tears, clear my voice and pretend like everything's ok. Let me not forget to unfurl my brow and put a smile on my face and an artificial light in my eyes.

Comments

  1. KarinMarch 29, 2017 at 8:35 AM

    Im sorry you are feeling so very low right now Jeannette. We can't go back. We all know this. Each day we are on this earth is a do over for the coming days. Some of the shitty choices weve made can leave scars, but what is done is done. I obsess at time of how fucking stupid I was. Relationships for the most part, 2nd for livinig such a so called safe life because I was afraid to take chances.

    ReplyDelete
  2. KarinMarch 29, 2017 at 8:36 AM

    I hope your day is a bit brighter today. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SweetjeanMarch 29, 2017 at 5:33 PM

      Thank you very much. I'm in a much better place now mentally.

      Delete

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