Breast Cancer Stage 4 My Journey

So my oncologist and the Floor doctor hesitated a bit but made the decision to discharge me yesterday afternoon. There was some hesitation because my potassium, magnesium and phosphorus were still lower than they'd like them to be. When I got to the hospital they were reading below the average low, now they are reading in the average low. This is after a week of them pushing it through on iv directly into the medaport in my chest for a week. Having diarrhea meant that whatever they gave me would go right through me. My chemotherapy medication was stopped because that was thought to be the reason for the diarrhea. Anti-diarrhea medication was given to stop the diarrhea but my body didn't respond until after a few days. Once the diarrhea was lessened then my body was able to absorb the potassium, magnesium and phosphorus that was being administered just at a slower rate. Days passed and my labwork showed that my readings would go up and then they would take a dip, then it would ...

Well, I hadn't been able to eat for over a week. I had this very full feeling in my tummy. I was extremely fatigued to the point of faint or dropping to the floor with diarrhea every day all day. My mom secretly watched to make sure I had at least 4 bites of whatever they were having for dinner. I finally came to the hospital I was extremely dehydrated with kidney failure and my liver was out of whack, a small uti and belly infection just to give you a general rundown. So I was admitted. Still having diarrhea everyday all day. Trying to eat the hospital food which was pretty tasty.   Well, last night I finally threw up. My food was being collected in a nook or crany in my stomach. The fluid was coming out in the form of diarrhea but not the solids. Needless to say I immediately felt better for about an hour but then the stomach cramping started up again to where I was crying and nausea was the worst. I didn't throw up everything and what I had left made me feel horrible. ...

Today was a rough day. My back pain was at an all time high today and I decided to still go to work. Yes, my surgery was a year ago and yes, I'm at a desk job now but I've also been on chemo this whole time. That in itself halts my body from healing every three weeks for an entire week. There has also been a temporary change to my pain medication. Two more days and I'm back on my normal medication. Any person who would have had the same surgery would be so much further along in their recovery. In case some of you are new to my blog let me fill you in and catch you up. I was in a car accident November 2015 and began to have upper back and neck pain about a week after. I went to see a doctor in December who said I had whip lash. He said I would heal and the pain would gradually go away. It actually got worse and he made me feel like I was being a baby because he saw nothing on the xray which included vertebrae C1 - C5. The typical area where whip lash would show any damage....

Well, it's not the news I wanted to hear. My cancer is no longer "stable" It has progressed in my lung and lymphnodes. My run with perjeta, herceptin and taxotere has come to an end. My oncologist is trying to get Tykerb and Xeloda approved by my insurance. Once approved I will no longer take my original medication through my mediport every 3 weeks but rather my new medication In pill form two weeks on and one week off. I'm worried how my body will react to stopping the medication I've been on for just over a year and starting something completely new. Will it be a shock to my body? I'm worried of the side effects of the new medications. Especially the sores in my mouth and the hand and foot syndrome which causes my palms and bottom of my feet to dry up and crack and bleed making it difficult to walk. Of course the usual side effects of diarrhea, vomiting and fatigue are attached to these drugs. I'll face any and all issues as I'm faced with them. I g...

I couldn't sleep well last night, I tossed and turned. A three letter question krept into my dreams and woke me. A few times today, out of nowhere, tears filled my eyes and an instant lump swelled in my throat because that same three letter word snuck up on me causing me to cry silent tears. Crying because I know I'll never have an answer. Crying because there is no answer. A few days before chemo my mind goes into overload and I mentally start counting down the days. I start to feel sad and depressed the closer I get thinking of what could of been, what is now and what could be in the future. My heart body and soul know I have chemo tomorrow. That three letter word haunts my dreams and taunts me when I'm awake. Looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, looking into my sad hurt eyes, looking at my bald head, looking up towards the heavens, tears streaming down my cheeks, silently screaming that single question. My brain understands that there will never be an answer, ev...

The week following chemo I'm such a blubbering mess. The sickness that engulfs my body is a constant reminder that I'm sick. That I've got a chronic disease to deal with for the rest of my life. That it's cancer I live with and It's  terminal. During this week that follows chemo, my emotions are all over the place. Sad, depressed, mad and if I'm being honest a bit jealous. Sad and depressed that I have to put my body through this just to stay alive. My quality of life in between sessions isn't all that. Yes I'm alive. Yes I'm living. Yes I'm working, getting out, spending time with my son, family, friends. Facetiming with my boyfriend, but doing all that at very low energy. Any time you see me doing anything it's because I'm forcing myself to use energy that I have little of. I'm so very mad because with this illness my body would much rather be sitting in a recliner resting, laying in bed sleeping, going through social media, watc...

I'm just so tired. I'm three weeks shy of being on chemotherapy for 1 year. I get my infusions every three weeks and I'm always fatigued. Always. The week after chemo is the worst of course. Five days after chemo I had to go to the bank and go inside to withdraw funds for my rent. I couldn't do it at the atm because it succeeded my daily withdrawal amount. Well, there was a long que and I immediately felt worried because I knew I'd be standing for a while with nowhere to rest. I wasn't halfway through and I began to look around to see if there were employees readily accessible because I felt I might need a chair soon because my legs were feeling weak under me. As I stood there in line I could feel my body sway a bit. I shifted my weight and kept telling myself that the line was moving along and I'm getting closer and closer. I could feel my head and shoulders getting hot. I felt like a marionette puppet attached to strings that my mind controlled. I had...

My last CT showed NED (no evidence of disease). I had mets to lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver, right lung and bones (spine). My oncologist still wants me to continue perjeta, herceptin, taxotere, zometa and steroids. I guess to keep up the momentum? I'm sooooo tired of being sick for an entire week. Actually this last time is over a week. It's so depressing. I get my infusion every 3 weeks. I'm just tired and frustrated. I know I need to look at the silver lining...NED. Chemotherapy Treatment Fund  Click here for 1st option :) Click here for 2nd option :)

I took a screenshot of a post I made two weeks shy of a year ago. I was lost, sad, alone and depressed looking for "Others" who were stage 4 like me. I'm so happy I found a group on Facebook with so much love and support. We laugh and cry with each other and we've shared our ups and downs. I'm tearing up because I knew no one with stage 4. Everyone else who knew someone with cancer told me to fight and that I would be in remission before I knew it and I could be cancer free. They didn't "get" or understand Stage 4. I had to explain that it was a LIFELONG thing. I will ALWAYS have it till the day I die. No chance of remission. I have to learn how to live with it. I can never go back to my normal life. My oncologist said I was to be on chemotherapy INDEFINITELY. Of course things could change as far as how often I do chemo and what she puts me on if something stops working on me but yeah. It's been a tough year and I feel the dust is just now...

Sometimes I forget that I'm sick. Sometimes I feel normal. There are times when I'm sitting on my recliner watching tv and it's like I'm back in time. To a time beyond a year ago, before finding out I had breast cancer. To a time when I had a normal life.  Then, as I'm watching TV a commercial about a new medication comes on and I'm instantly snapped back to reality. The new medication is to help treat or shrink cancer and at that moment it feels like a vacuum has sucked the air right out of me. Reminding me that I have cancer and I'll never be rid of it. How dare I for a moment forget that fact. My eyes instantly swell and fill with tears. I take a deep breath and tears run down my face. There's a lump in my throat that feels more like a knot. Sadness overcomes me and I begin to quietly weep.

1 bag Saline, 1 bag benedryl and anti nausea, 1 bag Perjeta, 1 bag saline, 1 bag herceptin, 1 bag saline, 1 bag taxatere, 1 bag saline, 1 bag bone strengthener, 1 bag saline. Got started around 930am and got unhooked at 130pm. I'll be good for 2 days before symptoms kick in. I'll be sick for at least a week, I'll be getting better for 2 - 3 days after that then I'll be back to myself for 7 - 10 days then I go back to do it all over again. Indefinitely still at this point. Good news is that the cancer has shrunk but my doctor wants to keep up the momentum we have going on. My oncologist said I still have cancer, I'll always have cancer. It's just a matter of maintaining it and living a new normal life around the treatments and sickness I have to go through every 3weeks for the time being. Why am I smiling? I woke up today so I'm good. :) 

I haven't had much of an appetite these last few days. Saturday, Sunday and now today. I didn't get to enjoy Christmas Eve or Christmas day yummy to goodness food that mom made. Booo! Y'all know how much I LOVE food. Especially my mom's!        Now I think my tummy wants food. Not sure, my tummy is always bipolar the week after chemo. I get hungry so I go to put something in my mouth then before it hits my lips I get nauseous. I put it away and sit down and then I get hunger pains. Aye aye aye! Guess all I can do is not eat and wait it out like I've done after every chemo session. My stomach keeps making gastric sounds and I actually have hunger pains but when I actually get food in front of me I feel sick to my stomach. This goes on, on and off all day.  To the point where I may not eat that day cause the nausea is that bad. I've gone almost 3 days without eating or drinking. I forced myself to eat soup cause I was feeling weak to the point where I ...

I don't know why I'm so emotional, at times sad. I received great news on my CT results. I feel anyone would be jumping for joy. My cancer has shrunk to under a centimeter! I think I've been holding in my feelings, my hurt, my anger and it's all spilling over. I'd love to say that I'm leaving these emotions in 2016 but im afraid to say I'm probably going to carry them over.        It's hard to be happy when you are the kind of person who wonders about the "what if". What if I let myself be happy and I find out it has come back, it has grown, it has taken over my organs, taken over my body!        Why do I do this to myself? Being told you have cancer, being told it's spread to your lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver and spine then months later your lung. Being told it's stage four and there is no cure, being told you will never be in remission, being told you'll have cancer your entire life. On top of that, still recovering from maj...

Well, I went for my Chemo appointment today.  Wednesday the 21st of December. I was supposed to get it this past Friday but I had a church retreat to attend. I was to do labwork, see my oncologist, get my CT results and get my chemotherapy. Everything was moving along smoothly. Mom was with me this time, sissy had to work. We sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor to go over my labwork which I had the feeling was fine cause my labwork is always fine AND my CT results which was a bit nerve racking cause in previous scans my results showed little to no shrinkage or improvement. The last one showed new growth in my upper right lobe in my right lung! Which was devastating as you can only imagine. Putting my body through the symptoms of chemo every 3 weeks only to be told that it's spread to another organ! This put me in a depression that I hid very well except to my boyfriend Aries. Which I know is not healthy to hide it but I didn't want to worry anyone.    ...

        Having stage four breast cancer I know that it's lifelong. There is no "remission" for me. I will have it till the day I die. That realization is hard for me to accept. I struggle with it every single day. I can't help it and I can't get away from it. It's in every thought and action I do on the daily. I'm having to continue chemo indefinitely every three weeks and it takes a toll on my body. But I also know of people who have lived years with stage four and my goal is to surpass that. I would love to do some of the things I was doing before I was diagnosed. I want to get in my car and go. Being a single parent I would load up my kid and drive to where the wind directed me. I had such freedom. After my spinal surgery in March I was restricted from driving, obviously. I was in a brace with little to no range in motion as far as turning and twisting my body from left to right. I went from a wheelchair, to a walker to nothing at all. I also had ...

Well, I did not expect bad news. It's taken me a couple days to....accept the results of my CT scan. I try not to think of it cause I can't stop the tears of frustration. When your oncologist who is sitting on a stool with wheels rolls up close to you and puts their hand over your hand to give results you know it's not good news. There are no significant changes in the size of my cancer spots/cells, however there is some new growth, spots in the upper lobe to my right lung. She says they're small spots, they're smaller than the size of a grain of rice. Well, last time I checked a grain of rice was pretty big to me when you think of it as cancerous. I'd  rather they be microscopic. Well, as you can imagine I began to sob. I let out a heavy breath of frustration. My treatment is going in the opposite direction. It's supposed to be shrinking my cancer not letting it spread to other organs! The thing with Stage 4 cancer is that it's "life long" t...

Well, chemo was on Friday and it started to kick in Sunday night a bit. I felt tired and lethargic. I didn't eat all day Sunday and took it easy at mom's house. Monday again I felt tired with a bit of a tummy ache. I had a sandwich with chips and some water. Took it easy at mom's till the evening when sister came to get me. Me her and my son hung out. I spoke to my son about how I was feeling. He removed his glasses and wiped his teary eyes. It kills me to see him cry and I hate him seeing me at my worst. I hate that he hurts seeing me sick. I know it's not right but I think I avoid him a bit during the week after chemo. I stay at my mom's and call and text him from there. When I'm feeling better is when I don't mind him seeing me. When I feel more like myself. I don't know if I'm wrong for doing that but I just don't want him to feel more bad. Kind of like that saying "out of sight, out of mind." If he doesn't see me hurting then ...

Sat down to have dinner with my parents. I was saying that I try to keep myself busy with little things as a distraction or escape. Just to fill my days since I  still can't work at the moment. Then I thought of the cancer and my eyes welled up with tears and I began to quietly cry. I so desperately miss my life. The life I had before finding out I have cancer. Mom looked up at me and said "No meja, don't cry." I said, "I know mom...I just get sad because my life has changed and it will never be the same." She said, "you don't know that, it can be." Then I looked at daddy and he said,  "Maybe it will be better" I took a deep. I never thought of that option. Maybe it WILL be better. Breast cancer treatment fund. You are invited to donate to an awesome cause. You'll be a part of the big picture by improving my quality of life. Thank you ever so kindly.

     A CT was ordered to see what kind of progress the chemo has made thus far. My oncologist said that the cancer has not spread to any other areas. The cancer has not gotten any bigger however it has not shrunk as much as she would have liked at this point. My heart ached hearing this. She sensed that I was not pleased and reiterated that it has not grown AND it has not spread either. She said to give this news it's proper credit for being a small victory. I just couldn't help myself in concentrating on the negative. I don't know why I do that.      My sister asked her what the plan was after my 6th chemo. Will she order radiation, or order surgery to remove my breast(s)? Etc. She said I was to continue chemo indefinitely. This was a shock to my system. I was in disbelief. I felt like the air was sucked out of my world and I couldn't breath. The word sank in, INDEFINITELY. My eyes filled with tears. I tried to slow my heavy breathing. I was on...

     Saw my oncologist on August 12th at 830am. I explained that I hurt my tailbone lifting my suitcase which I'm guessing was around 45lbs. The reason I think it was that heavy is because whenever I've taken a trip/vacation and had to check my luggage it couldn't be over 40lbs or I'd have to pay. Well it felt that heavy give or take a few pounds. Anyhow, I hurt myself and I was in pain. So, she decided to add 2 additional medications to my chemotherapy for that morning. A steroid and a bone strengthener.      I was done with my oncologist and now me and my sister headed over to the chemo room. I got comfy in a recliner then they hooked up to my port. This was around 9am. They gave me my typical 3 medications and the 2 new ones. I had a constant drip of medications until they unhooked me at 4pm. That's 7 hours my friends but I was finally done.      Saturday the 13th was a benefit plate sale in my honor from 12pm to 6pm. So ...