Breast Cancer Stage 4 My Journey

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Pink is my favorite color, but it goes beyond pink for me. I'm stage 4 because the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes, chest, neck, liver, lung and bones with NO cure. When people think of Breast Cancer Awareness month they also think of Susan B Kolmen. People feel it in their heart to give/donate. Even though I'm happy that they raise so much money for "Early Detection" and "Spreading Awareness" only about 7% goes towards research in finding a cure. (Not sure if that's from all donations or just grants which is even less) I was heartbroken to learn this. Isn't "for the cure" their slogan? Now, obviously I can't tell them how to allocate their donations/grants but 7% doesn't seem right. Shouldn't it be more? At the least 30%. I just get so fired up because I'll always be on chemo I'll never be cancer free and I'll never be in remission because there still isn't a cure....

Today was a rough day. My back pain was at an all time high today and I decided to still go to work. Yes, my surgery was a year ago and yes, I'm at a desk job now but I've also been on chemo this whole time. That in itself halts my body from healing every three weeks for an entire week. There has also been a temporary change to my pain medication. Two more days and I'm back on my normal medication. Any person who would have had the same surgery would be so much further along in their recovery. In case some of you are new to my blog let me fill you in and catch you up. I was in a car accident November 2015 and began to have upper back and neck pain about a week after. I went to see a doctor in December who said I had whip lash. He said I would heal and the pain would gradually go away. It actually got worse and he made me feel like I was being a baby because he saw nothing on the xray which included vertebrae C1 - C5. The typical area where whip lash would show any damage....

I've been on Morphine for just over a year. You can't stop taking it cold turkey. It's not good for your body and I found out the hard way. I called in a refill last Thursday and my prescription wasn't filled. They are pretty good at refilling the same day or at the latest the following day so I wasn't worried that I only had a day left of morphine because I thought for sure I'd get my refill before the weekend. Yeah, I was wrong. My doctor left work for the weekend on Friday without calling it in to my pharmacy. Her nurse suggested I take vicoden for pain over the next couple days which I did.  By Sunday my body started to react. I was going into a dark depression with thoughts of dying and suicide (this hurts my heart like you wouldn't believe to admit this). I couldn't get myself out of bed. I was crying because I wanted to give up. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.  I didn't have the will or desire to do anything but lay in bed....

Today was a waste. I woke up with a spirt of energy and I was happy. I actually said out loud, "It's gonna be a good day" the sun had just risen and the air was crisp. I went to run an errand and unfortunately it depleted all my energy for the rest of the day.  Walking from my car at the curb to the front door was a chore. I almost ran out of steam halfway up the driveway but I said to myself I better not stop, keep walking and that I could rest once I got inside. The door was locked, ugh, I had to knock as my knees buckled a bit. I leaned on the door until someone unlocked it. Once inside I made it to the kitchen table and sat down happy to take the weight and pressure off of my weak legs. I feel as if I have no muscle tone on my body whatsoever. I tried to eat a taco but I could only stomach one bite. I then tried a biscuit but my stomach wasn't having it either and I realized I had no taste. Man that really sucks.  I spoke a few words with daddy and I felt...

I'm just so tired. I'm three weeks shy of being on chemotherapy for 1 year. I get my infusions every three weeks and I'm always fatigued. Always. The week after chemo is the worst of course. Five days after chemo I had to go to the bank and go inside to withdraw funds for my rent. I couldn't do it at the atm because it succeeded my daily withdrawal amount. Well, there was a long que and I immediately felt worried because I knew I'd be standing for a while with nowhere to rest. I wasn't halfway through and I began to look around to see if there were employees readily accessible because I felt I might need a chair soon because my legs were feeling weak under me. As I stood there in line I could feel my body sway a bit. I shifted my weight and kept telling myself that the line was moving along and I'm getting closer and closer. I could feel my head and shoulders getting hot. I felt like a marionette puppet attached to strings that my mind controlled. I had...

       My legs feel so heavy at times. It's hard for me to explain. I guess for me it's like dead weight. Taking one step up takes effort. It's not an automatic move like everyone else. Stepping up onto a curb, up into the entrance of my home or up into a high truck with a stepside for some examples takes thought, effort and strength (of which I have little of).        If I have to walk up a flight of stairs I usually lose energy before I've reached the top. I have to reach up and grip the rail to help pull myself up for each step. Its a huge workout for my legs and makes them feel weak and wobbly. Once I've reached the top, if I continue to walk I have to concentrate on every step because my knees are shaky and I feel I could possibly collapse so I have to stop and rest or preferably sit and rest to regain some energy.       I went to the mall to pick up my son from work early one day. I walked from th...

My last CT showed NED (no evidence of disease). I had mets to lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver, right lung and bones (spine). My oncologist still wants me to continue perjeta, herceptin, taxotere, zometa and steroids. I guess to keep up the momentum? I'm sooooo tired of being sick for an entire week. Actually this last time is over a week. It's so depressing. I get my infusion every 3 weeks. I'm just tired and frustrated. I know I need to look at the silver lining...NED. Chemotherapy Treatment Fund  Click here for 1st option :) Click here for 2nd option :)

I took a screenshot of a post I made two weeks shy of a year ago. I was lost, sad, alone and depressed looking for "Others" who were stage 4 like me. I'm so happy I found a group on Facebook with so much love and support. We laugh and cry with each other and we've shared our ups and downs. I'm tearing up because I knew no one with stage 4. Everyone else who knew someone with cancer told me to fight and that I would be in remission before I knew it and I could be cancer free. They didn't "get" or understand Stage 4. I had to explain that it was a LIFELONG thing. I will ALWAYS have it till the day I die. No chance of remission. I have to learn how to live with it. I can never go back to my normal life. My oncologist said I was to be on chemotherapy INDEFINITELY. Of course things could change as far as how often I do chemo and what she puts me on if something stops working on me but yeah. It's been a tough year and I feel the dust is just now...

       Well, i'm off this week from work. They are giving me the week after chemo off due to my typical symptoms. My employer is great about it, God is Great.        Well, I had lite stomach aches Friday and Saturday night throughout my sleep but my days have been ok. I was fully expecting to wake up sick today because I was having head fevers throughout Saturday and Sunday night but, no. I woke up ok, just a bit hungry. My stomach is a bit bipolar this morning. It's going from stomach ache to hungry in a matter of seconds for the past 2 hours. Since I still have some energy in me I'm thinking of getting up and getting some food in my tummy!        I had chemo on Friday. I'm usually good for two days, that being Saturday and Sunday (thanks to steroids) and USUALLY my symptoms kick in on Monday (today). But I'm doing pretty good considering. My head fevers have subsided and my energy is average a...

Well, chemo#14 went as planned. The only difference is that I went alone. I've been spoiled for too long. I usually have my sister or my mom with me. Not by my choice entirely. I don't mind either way cause I hate putting people out but it helps keep things in order as far as information given to me whether it be results or future tests that I need to get cause I can be forgetful. They like supporting me and in their eyes I'm not putting them out. So I got everything except my zometa which is my bone strengthener. I get that every 6 weeks. I got my usual cocktail of Perjeta, herceptin and taxotere. I got benadryl and a steroid as well. My markers are at 10 I believe. I'm not having a CT in March which I'm surprised cause I get a CT every 3 months. She seems to think everything looks good. The last CT didn't detect any cancer which means it has shrunk to under 1cm everywhere and my markers are low. My labs are very good according to her. There is no indication...

Sometimes I forget that I'm sick. Sometimes I feel normal. There are times when I'm sitting on my recliner watching tv and it's like I'm back in time. To a time beyond a year ago, before finding out I had breast cancer. To a time when I had a normal life.  Then, as I'm watching TV a commercial about a new medication comes on and I'm instantly snapped back to reality. The new medication is to help treat or shrink cancer and at that moment it feels like a vacuum has sucked the air right out of me. Reminding me that I have cancer and I'll never be rid of it. How dare I for a moment forget that fact. My eyes instantly swell and fill with tears. I take a deep breath and tears run down my face. There's a lump in my throat that feels more like a knot. Sadness overcomes me and I begin to quietly weep.

1 bag Saline, 1 bag benedryl and anti nausea, 1 bag Perjeta, 1 bag saline, 1 bag herceptin, 1 bag saline, 1 bag taxatere, 1 bag saline, 1 bag bone strengthener, 1 bag saline. Got started around 930am and got unhooked at 130pm. I'll be good for 2 days before symptoms kick in. I'll be sick for at least a week, I'll be getting better for 2 - 3 days after that then I'll be back to myself for 7 - 10 days then I go back to do it all over again. Indefinitely still at this point. Good news is that the cancer has shrunk but my doctor wants to keep up the momentum we have going on. My oncologist said I still have cancer, I'll always have cancer. It's just a matter of maintaining it and living a new normal life around the treatments and sickness I have to go through every 3weeks for the time being. Why am I smiling? I woke up today so I'm good. :) 

I haven't had much of an appetite these last few days. Saturday, Sunday and now today. I didn't get to enjoy Christmas Eve or Christmas day yummy to goodness food that mom made. Booo! Y'all know how much I LOVE food. Especially my mom's!        Now I think my tummy wants food. Not sure, my tummy is always bipolar the week after chemo. I get hungry so I go to put something in my mouth then before it hits my lips I get nauseous. I put it away and sit down and then I get hunger pains. Aye aye aye! Guess all I can do is not eat and wait it out like I've done after every chemo session. My stomach keeps making gastric sounds and I actually have hunger pains but when I actually get food in front of me I feel sick to my stomach. This goes on, on and off all day.  To the point where I may not eat that day cause the nausea is that bad. I've gone almost 3 days without eating or drinking. I forced myself to eat soup cause I was feeling weak to the point where I ...

I don't know why I'm so emotional, at times sad. I received great news on my CT results. I feel anyone would be jumping for joy. My cancer has shrunk to under a centimeter! I think I've been holding in my feelings, my hurt, my anger and it's all spilling over. I'd love to say that I'm leaving these emotions in 2016 but im afraid to say I'm probably going to carry them over.        It's hard to be happy when you are the kind of person who wonders about the "what if". What if I let myself be happy and I find out it has come back, it has grown, it has taken over my organs, taken over my body!        Why do I do this to myself? Being told you have cancer, being told it's spread to your lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver and spine then months later your lung. Being told it's stage four and there is no cure, being told you will never be in remission, being told you'll have cancer your entire life. On top of that, still recovering from maj...

Well, I went for my Chemo appointment today.  Wednesday the 21st of December. I was supposed to get it this past Friday but I had a church retreat to attend. I was to do labwork, see my oncologist, get my CT results and get my chemotherapy. Everything was moving along smoothly. Mom was with me this time, sissy had to work. We sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor to go over my labwork which I had the feeling was fine cause my labwork is always fine AND my CT results which was a bit nerve racking cause in previous scans my results showed little to no shrinkage or improvement. The last one showed new growth in my upper right lobe in my right lung! Which was devastating as you can only imagine. Putting my body through the symptoms of chemo every 3 weeks only to be told that it's spread to another organ! This put me in a depression that I hid very well except to my boyfriend Aries. Which I know is not healthy to hide it but I didn't want to worry anyone.    ...

        Having stage four breast cancer I know that it's lifelong. There is no "remission" for me. I will have it till the day I die. That realization is hard for me to accept. I struggle with it every single day. I can't help it and I can't get away from it. It's in every thought and action I do on the daily. I'm having to continue chemo indefinitely every three weeks and it takes a toll on my body. But I also know of people who have lived years with stage four and my goal is to surpass that. I would love to do some of the things I was doing before I was diagnosed. I want to get in my car and go. Being a single parent I would load up my kid and drive to where the wind directed me. I had such freedom. After my spinal surgery in March I was restricted from driving, obviously. I was in a brace with little to no range in motion as far as turning and twisting my body from left to right. I went from a wheelchair, to a walker to nothing at all. I also had ...

Well, I did not expect bad news. It's taken me a couple days to....accept the results of my CT scan. I try not to think of it cause I can't stop the tears of frustration. When your oncologist who is sitting on a stool with wheels rolls up close to you and puts their hand over your hand to give results you know it's not good news. There are no significant changes in the size of my cancer spots/cells, however there is some new growth, spots in the upper lobe to my right lung. She says they're small spots, they're smaller than the size of a grain of rice. Well, last time I checked a grain of rice was pretty big to me when you think of it as cancerous. I'd  rather they be microscopic. Well, as you can imagine I began to sob. I let out a heavy breath of frustration. My treatment is going in the opposite direction. It's supposed to be shrinking my cancer not letting it spread to other organs! The thing with Stage 4 cancer is that it's "life long" t...

Well, chemo was on Friday and it started to kick in Sunday night a bit. I felt tired and lethargic. I didn't eat all day Sunday and took it easy at mom's house. Monday again I felt tired with a bit of a tummy ache. I had a sandwich with chips and some water. Took it easy at mom's till the evening when sister came to get me. Me her and my son hung out. I spoke to my son about how I was feeling. He removed his glasses and wiped his teary eyes. It kills me to see him cry and I hate him seeing me at my worst. I hate that he hurts seeing me sick. I know it's not right but I think I avoid him a bit during the week after chemo. I stay at my mom's and call and text him from there. When I'm feeling better is when I don't mind him seeing me. When I feel more like myself. I don't know if I'm wrong for doing that but I just don't want him to feel more bad. Kind of like that saying "out of sight, out of mind." If he doesn't see me hurting then ...

Sat down to have dinner with my parents. I was saying that I try to keep myself busy with little things as a distraction or escape. Just to fill my days since I  still can't work at the moment. Then I thought of the cancer and my eyes welled up with tears and I began to quietly cry. I so desperately miss my life. The life I had before finding out I have cancer. Mom looked up at me and said "No meja, don't cry." I said, "I know mom...I just get sad because my life has changed and it will never be the same." She said, "you don't know that, it can be." Then I looked at daddy and he said,  "Maybe it will be better" I took a deep. I never thought of that option. Maybe it WILL be better. Breast cancer treatment fund. You are invited to donate to an awesome cause. You'll be a part of the big picture by improving my quality of life. Thank you ever so kindly.

     A CT was ordered to see what kind of progress the chemo has made thus far. My oncologist said that the cancer has not spread to any other areas. The cancer has not gotten any bigger however it has not shrunk as much as she would have liked at this point. My heart ached hearing this. She sensed that I was not pleased and reiterated that it has not grown AND it has not spread either. She said to give this news it's proper credit for being a small victory. I just couldn't help myself in concentrating on the negative. I don't know why I do that.      My sister asked her what the plan was after my 6th chemo. Will she order radiation, or order surgery to remove my breast(s)? Etc. She said I was to continue chemo indefinitely. This was a shock to my system. I was in disbelief. I felt like the air was sucked out of my world and I couldn't breath. The word sank in, INDEFINITELY. My eyes filled with tears. I tried to slow my heavy breathing. I was on...