Breast Cancer Stage 4 My Journey

Today was a rough day. My back pain was at an all time high today and I decided to still go to work. Yes, my surgery was a year ago and yes, I'm at a desk job now but I've also been on chemo this whole time. That in itself halts my body from healing every three weeks for an entire week. There has also been a temporary change to my pain medication. Two more days and I'm back on my normal medication. Any person who would have had the same surgery would be so much further along in their recovery. In case some of you are new to my blog let me fill you in and catch you up. I was in a car accident November 2015 and began to have upper back and neck pain about a week after. I went to see a doctor in December who said I had whip lash. He said I would heal and the pain would gradually go away. It actually got worse and he made me feel like I was being a baby because he saw nothing on the xray which included vertebrae C1 - C5. The typical area where whip lash would show any damage....

I'm her2+ and on herceptin, perjeta and taxotere. I've been getting chemotherapy infusions every 3weeks since the end of May. So that makes over 9 months. My cancer has shrunk since December but my oncologist wants me to continue with chemo. I'm so tired of being sick every three weeks for an entire week. Yes, I feel some symptoms are lighter than what they were in the beginning but I still have them. I'm still miserable, fatigued, body ach, bone ache, stomach ache, fever flashes, dizzy, unbalanced, nauseous, muscles twisting, cramping etc etc. Don't get me wrong. I'm so ever grateful for each day I'm alive but sometimes I'm just so tired. That's all. Rants over.

Well, I've just completed round 14 of my chemotherapy regime. Labs look great and my cancer marker is at 8.8 which is awesome! After explaining that my symptoms are still pretty rough and last a whole week with 3 days being the worst she frowned and seemed genuinely concerned that my body hasn't gotten used to it more. I don't think I voiced this to her much because I figured it was normal. This is all new to me so how was I to know. We'll, she said since my cancer has shrunk and my markers are way down and my labs always look great she is considering dropping the taxotere. This is the one that's causing the majority of my symptoms! Once dropped my symptoms should be much more bareable and even lighten drastically! At least this is typical in most cases. I can't wait! Oh happy day! Maybe one or two more cycles and then she'll drop the taxotere. That's the plan anyways. Eeek! I'm so excited and it makes this and the next couple chemos bitter sweet. I...

I wasn't sure whether to share this news but I just can't help it!  I'm so Happy I could Boun ce! I've been on FMLA (family medical leave act) for 11 months. It's usually only for 3 months but my employer kept extending it until I felt well enough to go back to work. They also kept my insurance "Active" even though I couldn't pay my premium. I'm sure they knew that I'd eventually get to paying them back once I decided to go back to work with auto deductions from my paycheck. Which was the plan because I'm a responsible adult.        Well, long story short. I called payroll today to find out what I owed for last year and this year so far so I could set up a payment plan. Remember, I've been out of work for 11 months. He said that someone, who wants to remain anonymous has paid up all my premiums up to date for my medical, dental and vision. I owe nothing! Zip, Zilch, Nada! AND they are continuing to pay. I don't know until ...

       Well, i'm off this week from work. They are giving me the week after chemo off due to my typical symptoms. My employer is great about it, God is Great.        Well, I had lite stomach aches Friday and Saturday night throughout my sleep but my days have been ok. I was fully expecting to wake up sick today because I was having head fevers throughout Saturday and Sunday night but, no. I woke up ok, just a bit hungry. My stomach is a bit bipolar this morning. It's going from stomach ache to hungry in a matter of seconds for the past 2 hours. Since I still have some energy in me I'm thinking of getting up and getting some food in my tummy!        I had chemo on Friday. I'm usually good for two days, that being Saturday and Sunday (thanks to steroids) and USUALLY my symptoms kick in on Monday (today). But I'm doing pretty good considering. My head fevers have subsided and my energy is average a...

1 bag Saline, 1 bag benedryl and anti nausea, 1 bag Perjeta, 1 bag saline, 1 bag herceptin, 1 bag saline, 1 bag taxatere, 1 bag saline, 1 bag bone strengthener, 1 bag saline. Got started around 930am and got unhooked at 130pm. I'll be good for 2 days before symptoms kick in. I'll be sick for at least a week, I'll be getting better for 2 - 3 days after that then I'll be back to myself for 7 - 10 days then I go back to do it all over again. Indefinitely still at this point. Good news is that the cancer has shrunk but my doctor wants to keep up the momentum we have going on. My oncologist said I still have cancer, I'll always have cancer. It's just a matter of maintaining it and living a new normal life around the treatments and sickness I have to go through every 3weeks for the time being. Why am I smiling? I woke up today so I'm good. :) 

I haven't had much of an appetite these last few days. Saturday, Sunday and now today. I didn't get to enjoy Christmas Eve or Christmas day yummy to goodness food that mom made. Booo! Y'all know how much I LOVE food. Especially my mom's!        Now I think my tummy wants food. Not sure, my tummy is always bipolar the week after chemo. I get hungry so I go to put something in my mouth then before it hits my lips I get nauseous. I put it away and sit down and then I get hunger pains. Aye aye aye! Guess all I can do is not eat and wait it out like I've done after every chemo session. My stomach keeps making gastric sounds and I actually have hunger pains but when I actually get food in front of me I feel sick to my stomach. This goes on, on and off all day.  To the point where I may not eat that day cause the nausea is that bad. I've gone almost 3 days without eating or drinking. I forced myself to eat soup cause I was feeling weak to the point where I ...

I don't know why I'm so emotional, at times sad. I received great news on my CT results. I feel anyone would be jumping for joy. My cancer has shrunk to under a centimeter! I think I've been holding in my feelings, my hurt, my anger and it's all spilling over. I'd love to say that I'm leaving these emotions in 2016 but im afraid to say I'm probably going to carry them over.        It's hard to be happy when you are the kind of person who wonders about the "what if". What if I let myself be happy and I find out it has come back, it has grown, it has taken over my organs, taken over my body!        Why do I do this to myself? Being told you have cancer, being told it's spread to your lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver and spine then months later your lung. Being told it's stage four and there is no cure, being told you will never be in remission, being told you'll have cancer your entire life. On top of that, still recovering from maj...

        Having stage four breast cancer I know that it's lifelong. There is no "remission" for me. I will have it till the day I die. That realization is hard for me to accept. I struggle with it every single day. I can't help it and I can't get away from it. It's in every thought and action I do on the daily. I'm having to continue chemo indefinitely every three weeks and it takes a toll on my body. But I also know of people who have lived years with stage four and my goal is to surpass that. I would love to do some of the things I was doing before I was diagnosed. I want to get in my car and go. Being a single parent I would load up my kid and drive to where the wind directed me. I had such freedom. After my spinal surgery in March I was restricted from driving, obviously. I was in a brace with little to no range in motion as far as turning and twisting my body from left to right. I went from a wheelchair, to a walker to nothing at all. I also had ...