Breast Cancer Stage 4 My Journey

So my oncologist and the Floor doctor hesitated a bit but made the decision to discharge me yesterday afternoon. There was some hesitation because my potassium, magnesium and phosphorus were still lower than they'd like them to be. When I got to the hospital they were reading below the average low, now they are reading in the average low. This is after a week of them pushing it through on iv directly into the medaport in my chest for a week. Having diarrhea meant that whatever they gave me would go right through me. My chemotherapy medication was stopped because that was thought to be the reason for the diarrhea. Anti-diarrhea medication was given to stop the diarrhea but my body didn't respond until after a few days. Once the diarrhea was lessened then my body was able to absorb the potassium, magnesium and phosphorus that was being administered just at a slower rate. Days passed and my labwork showed that my readings would go up and then they would take a dip, then it would ...

Well, I hadn't been able to eat for over a week. I had this very full feeling in my tummy. I was extremely fatigued to the point of faint or dropping to the floor with diarrhea every day all day. My mom secretly watched to make sure I had at least 4 bites of whatever they were having for dinner. I finally came to the hospital I was extremely dehydrated with kidney failure and my liver was out of whack, a small uti and belly infection just to give you a general rundown. So I was admitted. Still having diarrhea everyday all day. Trying to eat the hospital food which was pretty tasty.   Well, last night I finally threw up. My food was being collected in a nook or crany in my stomach. The fluid was coming out in the form of diarrhea but not the solids. Needless to say I immediately felt better for about an hour but then the stomach cramping started up again to where I was crying and nausea was the worst. I didn't throw up everything and what I had left made me feel horrible. ...

Well, it's not the news I wanted to hear. My cancer is no longer "stable" It has progressed in my lung and lymphnodes. My run with perjeta, herceptin and taxotere has come to an end. My oncologist is trying to get Tykerb and Xeloda approved by my insurance. Once approved I will no longer take my original medication through my mediport every 3 weeks but rather my new medication In pill form two weeks on and one week off. I'm worried how my body will react to stopping the medication I've been on for just over a year and starting something completely new. Will it be a shock to my body? I'm worried of the side effects of the new medications. Especially the sores in my mouth and the hand and foot syndrome which causes my palms and bottom of my feet to dry up and crack and bleed making it difficult to walk. Of course the usual side effects of diarrhea, vomiting and fatigue are attached to these drugs. I'll face any and all issues as I'm faced with them. I g...

The week following chemo I'm such a blubbering mess. The sickness that engulfs my body is a constant reminder that I'm sick. That I've got a chronic disease to deal with for the rest of my life. That it's cancer I live with and It's  terminal. During this week that follows chemo, my emotions are all over the place. Sad, depressed, mad and if I'm being honest a bit jealous. Sad and depressed that I have to put my body through this just to stay alive. My quality of life in between sessions isn't all that. Yes I'm alive. Yes I'm living. Yes I'm working, getting out, spending time with my son, family, friends. Facetiming with my boyfriend, but doing all that at very low energy. Any time you see me doing anything it's because I'm forcing myself to use energy that I have little of. I'm so very mad because with this illness my body would much rather be sitting in a recliner resting, laying in bed sleeping, going through social media, watc...

Today was a waste. I woke up with a spirt of energy and I was happy. I actually said out loud, "It's gonna be a good day" the sun had just risen and the air was crisp. I went to run an errand and unfortunately it depleted all my energy for the rest of the day.  Walking from my car at the curb to the front door was a chore. I almost ran out of steam halfway up the driveway but I said to myself I better not stop, keep walking and that I could rest once I got inside. The door was locked, ugh, I had to knock as my knees buckled a bit. I leaned on the door until someone unlocked it. Once inside I made it to the kitchen table and sat down happy to take the weight and pressure off of my weak legs. I feel as if I have no muscle tone on my body whatsoever. I tried to eat a taco but I could only stomach one bite. I then tried a biscuit but my stomach wasn't having it either and I realized I had no taste. Man that really sucks.  I spoke a few words with daddy and I felt...

I'm just so tired. I'm three weeks shy of being on chemotherapy for 1 year. I get my infusions every three weeks and I'm always fatigued. Always. The week after chemo is the worst of course. Five days after chemo I had to go to the bank and go inside to withdraw funds for my rent. I couldn't do it at the atm because it succeeded my daily withdrawal amount. Well, there was a long que and I immediately felt worried because I knew I'd be standing for a while with nowhere to rest. I wasn't halfway through and I began to look around to see if there were employees readily accessible because I felt I might need a chair soon because my legs were feeling weak under me. As I stood there in line I could feel my body sway a bit. I shifted my weight and kept telling myself that the line was moving along and I'm getting closer and closer. I could feel my head and shoulders getting hot. I felt like a marionette puppet attached to strings that my mind controlled. I had...

I'm her2+ and on herceptin, perjeta and taxotere. I've been getting chemotherapy infusions every 3weeks since the end of May. So that makes over 9 months. My cancer has shrunk since December but my oncologist wants me to continue with chemo. I'm so tired of being sick every three weeks for an entire week. Yes, I feel some symptoms are lighter than what they were in the beginning but I still have them. I'm still miserable, fatigued, body ach, bone ache, stomach ache, fever flashes, dizzy, unbalanced, nauseous, muscles twisting, cramping etc etc. Don't get me wrong. I'm so ever grateful for each day I'm alive but sometimes I'm just so tired. That's all. Rants over.

Well, I've just completed round 14 of my chemotherapy regime. Labs look great and my cancer marker is at 8.8 which is awesome! After explaining that my symptoms are still pretty rough and last a whole week with 3 days being the worst she frowned and seemed genuinely concerned that my body hasn't gotten used to it more. I don't think I voiced this to her much because I figured it was normal. This is all new to me so how was I to know. We'll, she said since my cancer has shrunk and my markers are way down and my labs always look great she is considering dropping the taxotere. This is the one that's causing the majority of my symptoms! Once dropped my symptoms should be much more bareable and even lighten drastically! At least this is typical in most cases. I can't wait! Oh happy day! Maybe one or two more cycles and then she'll drop the taxotere. That's the plan anyways. Eeek! I'm so excited and it makes this and the next couple chemos bitter sweet. I...

I took a screenshot of a post I made two weeks shy of a year ago. I was lost, sad, alone and depressed looking for "Others" who were stage 4 like me. I'm so happy I found a group on Facebook with so much love and support. We laugh and cry with each other and we've shared our ups and downs. I'm tearing up because I knew no one with stage 4. Everyone else who knew someone with cancer told me to fight and that I would be in remission before I knew it and I could be cancer free. They didn't "get" or understand Stage 4. I had to explain that it was a LIFELONG thing. I will ALWAYS have it till the day I die. No chance of remission. I have to learn how to live with it. I can never go back to my normal life. My oncologist said I was to be on chemotherapy INDEFINITELY. Of course things could change as far as how often I do chemo and what she puts me on if something stops working on me but yeah. It's been a tough year and I feel the dust is just now...

Well, chemo#14 went as planned. The only difference is that I went alone. I've been spoiled for too long. I usually have my sister or my mom with me. Not by my choice entirely. I don't mind either way cause I hate putting people out but it helps keep things in order as far as information given to me whether it be results or future tests that I need to get cause I can be forgetful. They like supporting me and in their eyes I'm not putting them out. So I got everything except my zometa which is my bone strengthener. I get that every 6 weeks. I got my usual cocktail of Perjeta, herceptin and taxotere. I got benadryl and a steroid as well. My markers are at 10 I believe. I'm not having a CT in March which I'm surprised cause I get a CT every 3 months. She seems to think everything looks good. The last CT didn't detect any cancer which means it has shrunk to under 1cm everywhere and my markers are low. My labs are very good according to her. There is no indication...

Sometimes I forget that I'm sick. Sometimes I feel normal. There are times when I'm sitting on my recliner watching tv and it's like I'm back in time. To a time beyond a year ago, before finding out I had breast cancer. To a time when I had a normal life.  Then, as I'm watching TV a commercial about a new medication comes on and I'm instantly snapped back to reality. The new medication is to help treat or shrink cancer and at that moment it feels like a vacuum has sucked the air right out of me. Reminding me that I have cancer and I'll never be rid of it. How dare I for a moment forget that fact. My eyes instantly swell and fill with tears. I take a deep breath and tears run down my face. There's a lump in my throat that feels more like a knot. Sadness overcomes me and I begin to quietly weep.

I haven't had much of an appetite these last few days. Saturday, Sunday and now today. I didn't get to enjoy Christmas Eve or Christmas day yummy to goodness food that mom made. Booo! Y'all know how much I LOVE food. Especially my mom's!        Now I think my tummy wants food. Not sure, my tummy is always bipolar the week after chemo. I get hungry so I go to put something in my mouth then before it hits my lips I get nauseous. I put it away and sit down and then I get hunger pains. Aye aye aye! Guess all I can do is not eat and wait it out like I've done after every chemo session. My stomach keeps making gastric sounds and I actually have hunger pains but when I actually get food in front of me I feel sick to my stomach. This goes on, on and off all day.  To the point where I may not eat that day cause the nausea is that bad. I've gone almost 3 days without eating or drinking. I forced myself to eat soup cause I was feeling weak to the point where I ...

I don't know why I'm so emotional, at times sad. I received great news on my CT results. I feel anyone would be jumping for joy. My cancer has shrunk to under a centimeter! I think I've been holding in my feelings, my hurt, my anger and it's all spilling over. I'd love to say that I'm leaving these emotions in 2016 but im afraid to say I'm probably going to carry them over.        It's hard to be happy when you are the kind of person who wonders about the "what if". What if I let myself be happy and I find out it has come back, it has grown, it has taken over my organs, taken over my body!        Why do I do this to myself? Being told you have cancer, being told it's spread to your lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver and spine then months later your lung. Being told it's stage four and there is no cure, being told you will never be in remission, being told you'll have cancer your entire life. On top of that, still recovering from maj...

        Having stage four breast cancer I know that it's lifelong. There is no "remission" for me. I will have it till the day I die. That realization is hard for me to accept. I struggle with it every single day. I can't help it and I can't get away from it. It's in every thought and action I do on the daily. I'm having to continue chemo indefinitely every three weeks and it takes a toll on my body. But I also know of people who have lived years with stage four and my goal is to surpass that. I would love to do some of the things I was doing before I was diagnosed. I want to get in my car and go. Being a single parent I would load up my kid and drive to where the wind directed me. I had such freedom. After my spinal surgery in March I was restricted from driving, obviously. I was in a brace with little to no range in motion as far as turning and twisting my body from left to right. I went from a wheelchair, to a walker to nothing at all. I also had ...

Well, chemo was on Friday and it started to kick in Sunday night a bit. I felt tired and lethargic. I didn't eat all day Sunday and took it easy at mom's house. Monday again I felt tired with a bit of a tummy ache. I had a sandwich with chips and some water. Took it easy at mom's till the evening when sister came to get me. Me her and my son hung out. I spoke to my son about how I was feeling. He removed his glasses and wiped his teary eyes. It kills me to see him cry and I hate him seeing me at my worst. I hate that he hurts seeing me sick. I know it's not right but I think I avoid him a bit during the week after chemo. I stay at my mom's and call and text him from there. When I'm feeling better is when I don't mind him seeing me. When I feel more like myself. I don't know if I'm wrong for doing that but I just don't want him to feel more bad. Kind of like that saying "out of sight, out of mind." If he doesn't see me hurting then ...

Sat down to have dinner with my parents. I was saying that I try to keep myself busy with little things as a distraction or escape. Just to fill my days since I  still can't work at the moment. Then I thought of the cancer and my eyes welled up with tears and I began to quietly cry. I so desperately miss my life. The life I had before finding out I have cancer. Mom looked up at me and said "No meja, don't cry." I said, "I know mom...I just get sad because my life has changed and it will never be the same." She said, "you don't know that, it can be." Then I looked at daddy and he said,  "Maybe it will be better" I took a deep. I never thought of that option. Maybe it WILL be better. Breast cancer treatment fund. You are invited to donate to an awesome cause. You'll be a part of the big picture by improving my quality of life. Thank you ever so kindly.

My sleep was interrupted by my alarm. Still asleep I reach over and slapped my phone to snooze. I thought to myself, I still have plenty of time. Ten minutes later, I'm interrupted again by the alarm. Still with a foggy head I reach over and snooze. I told myself I can sleep for another ten minutes, I just won't have time to style my hair. My bed and pillow felt sooooo comfy, it was still dark and it was the perfect temperature that it was worth another ten. I layed and smiled and thought I'll have to sacrifice going about my day with a messy bun because now I really won't have time to straighten or curl. Which was fine cause my messy buns looked to me more like a sassy bun :) I lean over to snuggle my pillow and I'm awoken by a stiffness in my neck. Then I realize that this isn't my work alarm waking me it's my medication alarm. My smile disappears from my face. I won't have to bother with deciding whether or not to straighten or curl my hair cause I h...

Friday, I was happy to see Marsha in my station at chemo today. This sassy but sincere and kind nurse assessed my mediport with little discomfort that lasted but a few seconds. Thank goodness cause if y'all ain't noticed yet, i'm a bit of a scaredy cat. My mom would call it "being a ninny" lol. They've all been nice and compassionate here. Me and sissy got to sit diagonal from each other which was nice. I only felt bad when I saw her leaning her head against the wall to try and get comfy. I offered her my pillow but she wouldn't take it. So, guess what?  Next time I'm bringing an extra little pillow, problem solved. :) We were there about 5 hours. I was done by about 1pm. We meet up with my niece/god-daughter at her appointment down the block. Then she treated me to lunch. Me and sissy headed back to the apartment and took a little nap.         Got up from our nap and headed to a meeting for my fundraiser. Of which my friends put together for me...

          Chemo was Friday, its Sunday night now. I "feel" my upper back muscles to the base of my skull Knotting up tightly and I'm stiffer than usual. I feel like something is penetrating my muscles and quite possibly my nerves. Maybe it's the chemo zapping away the cancer in my spine sending impulses through my muscles. At least that's what I keep telling myself. It's a scary feeling cause I don't know what's really happening back there. Just a feeling of electrical impulses that make me wince. I don't have that sensation in my breast, my lymphnodes, my neck, chest or my liver that I can tell. Those are the other areas they found cancer in me. I'm afraid to move. I'm trying to stay as still as possible right now but I really have to go to the ladies room. I'm sitting here while my leg bounces telling me to get up and go already.           Guess what? Literally, at this very moment, I just "fel...

          Spent the night with my sissy the past couple nights watching movies. Friday I woke up at 630am to leave by 730am for my 8am appointment to see my oncologist for a followup and then to chemotherapy after. This time I had to get dropped off and go solo. My sisters daughter had been in and out of the emergency room with bad morning sickness that lasted all day and night. She was dehydrated as well. Well, that morning she called crying thinking she might have to go back to the ER because nothing seemed to work. They gave her some medication and nausea medication but she was still not able to hold anything down, she was throwing up and had lost 10lbs in about two weeks! So, luckily she lives in the same apartment complex as us. Her boyfriend walked her over before we left. I told my sister that she could drop me off at my appointment and come back to watch over her daughter jenevieve. I would be at my appointment for at least 6 hours a...