Breast Cancer Stage 4 My Journey

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Pink is my favorite color, but it goes beyond pink for me. I'm stage 4 because the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes, chest, neck, liver, lung and bones with NO cure. When people think of Breast Cancer Awareness month they also think of Susan B Kolmen. People feel it in their heart to give/donate. Even though I'm happy that they raise so much money for "Early Detection" and "Spreading Awareness" only about 7% goes towards research in finding a cure. (Not sure if that's from all donations or just grants which is even less) I was heartbroken to learn this. Isn't "for the cure" their slogan? Now, obviously I can't tell them how to allocate their donations/grants but 7% doesn't seem right. Shouldn't it be more? At the least 30%. I just get so fired up because I'll always be on chemo I'll never be cancer free and I'll never be in remission because there still isn't a cure....

I couldn't sleep well last night, I tossed and turned. A three letter question krept into my dreams and woke me. A few times today, out of nowhere, tears filled my eyes and an instant lump swelled in my throat because that same three letter word snuck up on me causing me to cry silent tears. Crying because I know I'll never have an answer. Crying because there is no answer. A few days before chemo my mind goes into overload and I mentally start counting down the days. I start to feel sad and depressed the closer I get thinking of what could of been, what is now and what could be in the future. My heart body and soul know I have chemo tomorrow. That three letter word haunts my dreams and taunts me when I'm awake. Looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, looking into my sad hurt eyes, looking at my bald head, looking up towards the heavens, tears streaming down my cheeks, silently screaming that single question. My brain understands that there will never be an answer, ev...

I've been on Morphine for just over a year. You can't stop taking it cold turkey. It's not good for your body and I found out the hard way. I called in a refill last Thursday and my prescription wasn't filled. They are pretty good at refilling the same day or at the latest the following day so I wasn't worried that I only had a day left of morphine because I thought for sure I'd get my refill before the weekend. Yeah, I was wrong. My doctor left work for the weekend on Friday without calling it in to my pharmacy. Her nurse suggested I take vicoden for pain over the next couple days which I did.  By Sunday my body started to react. I was going into a dark depression with thoughts of dying and suicide (this hurts my heart like you wouldn't believe to admit this). I couldn't get myself out of bed. I was crying because I wanted to give up. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.  I didn't have the will or desire to do anything but lay in bed....

       My legs feel so heavy at times. It's hard for me to explain. I guess for me it's like dead weight. Taking one step up takes effort. It's not an automatic move like everyone else. Stepping up onto a curb, up into the entrance of my home or up into a high truck with a stepside for some examples takes thought, effort and strength (of which I have little of).        If I have to walk up a flight of stairs I usually lose energy before I've reached the top. I have to reach up and grip the rail to help pull myself up for each step. Its a huge workout for my legs and makes them feel weak and wobbly. Once I've reached the top, if I continue to walk I have to concentrate on every step because my knees are shaky and I feel I could possibly collapse so I have to stop and rest or preferably sit and rest to regain some energy.       I went to the mall to pick up my son from work early one day. I walked from th...

My last CT showed NED (no evidence of disease). I had mets to lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver, right lung and bones (spine). My oncologist still wants me to continue perjeta, herceptin, taxotere, zometa and steroids. I guess to keep up the momentum? I'm sooooo tired of being sick for an entire week. Actually this last time is over a week. It's so depressing. I get my infusion every 3 weeks. I'm just tired and frustrated. I know I need to look at the silver lining...NED. Chemotherapy Treatment Fund  Click here for 1st option :) Click here for 2nd option :)

I wasn't sure whether to share this news but I just can't help it!  I'm so Happy I could Boun ce! I've been on FMLA (family medical leave act) for 11 months. It's usually only for 3 months but my employer kept extending it until I felt well enough to go back to work. They also kept my insurance "Active" even though I couldn't pay my premium. I'm sure they knew that I'd eventually get to paying them back once I decided to go back to work with auto deductions from my paycheck. Which was the plan because I'm a responsible adult.        Well, long story short. I called payroll today to find out what I owed for last year and this year so far so I could set up a payment plan. Remember, I've been out of work for 11 months. He said that someone, who wants to remain anonymous has paid up all my premiums up to date for my medical, dental and vision. I owe nothing! Zip, Zilch, Nada! AND they are continuing to pay. I don't know until ...

       Well, i'm off this week from work. They are giving me the week after chemo off due to my typical symptoms. My employer is great about it, God is Great.        Well, I had lite stomach aches Friday and Saturday night throughout my sleep but my days have been ok. I was fully expecting to wake up sick today because I was having head fevers throughout Saturday and Sunday night but, no. I woke up ok, just a bit hungry. My stomach is a bit bipolar this morning. It's going from stomach ache to hungry in a matter of seconds for the past 2 hours. Since I still have some energy in me I'm thinking of getting up and getting some food in my tummy!        I had chemo on Friday. I'm usually good for two days, that being Saturday and Sunday (thanks to steroids) and USUALLY my symptoms kick in on Monday (today). But I'm doing pretty good considering. My head fevers have subsided and my energy is average a...

Sometimes I forget that I'm sick. Sometimes I feel normal. There are times when I'm sitting on my recliner watching tv and it's like I'm back in time. To a time beyond a year ago, before finding out I had breast cancer. To a time when I had a normal life.  Then, as I'm watching TV a commercial about a new medication comes on and I'm instantly snapped back to reality. The new medication is to help treat or shrink cancer and at that moment it feels like a vacuum has sucked the air right out of me. Reminding me that I have cancer and I'll never be rid of it. How dare I for a moment forget that fact. My eyes instantly swell and fill with tears. I take a deep breath and tears run down my face. There's a lump in my throat that feels more like a knot. Sadness overcomes me and I begin to quietly weep.

1 bag Saline, 1 bag benedryl and anti nausea, 1 bag Perjeta, 1 bag saline, 1 bag herceptin, 1 bag saline, 1 bag taxatere, 1 bag saline, 1 bag bone strengthener, 1 bag saline. Got started around 930am and got unhooked at 130pm. I'll be good for 2 days before symptoms kick in. I'll be sick for at least a week, I'll be getting better for 2 - 3 days after that then I'll be back to myself for 7 - 10 days then I go back to do it all over again. Indefinitely still at this point. Good news is that the cancer has shrunk but my doctor wants to keep up the momentum we have going on. My oncologist said I still have cancer, I'll always have cancer. It's just a matter of maintaining it and living a new normal life around the treatments and sickness I have to go through every 3weeks for the time being. Why am I smiling? I woke up today so I'm good. :) 

I haven't had much of an appetite these last few days. Saturday, Sunday and now today. I didn't get to enjoy Christmas Eve or Christmas day yummy to goodness food that mom made. Booo! Y'all know how much I LOVE food. Especially my mom's!        Now I think my tummy wants food. Not sure, my tummy is always bipolar the week after chemo. I get hungry so I go to put something in my mouth then before it hits my lips I get nauseous. I put it away and sit down and then I get hunger pains. Aye aye aye! Guess all I can do is not eat and wait it out like I've done after every chemo session. My stomach keeps making gastric sounds and I actually have hunger pains but when I actually get food in front of me I feel sick to my stomach. This goes on, on and off all day.  To the point where I may not eat that day cause the nausea is that bad. I've gone almost 3 days without eating or drinking. I forced myself to eat soup cause I was feeling weak to the point where I ...

I don't know why I'm so emotional, at times sad. I received great news on my CT results. I feel anyone would be jumping for joy. My cancer has shrunk to under a centimeter! I think I've been holding in my feelings, my hurt, my anger and it's all spilling over. I'd love to say that I'm leaving these emotions in 2016 but im afraid to say I'm probably going to carry them over.        It's hard to be happy when you are the kind of person who wonders about the "what if". What if I let myself be happy and I find out it has come back, it has grown, it has taken over my organs, taken over my body!        Why do I do this to myself? Being told you have cancer, being told it's spread to your lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver and spine then months later your lung. Being told it's stage four and there is no cure, being told you will never be in remission, being told you'll have cancer your entire life. On top of that, still recovering from maj...

Well, I went for my Chemo appointment today.  Wednesday the 21st of December. I was supposed to get it this past Friday but I had a church retreat to attend. I was to do labwork, see my oncologist, get my CT results and get my chemotherapy. Everything was moving along smoothly. Mom was with me this time, sissy had to work. We sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor to go over my labwork which I had the feeling was fine cause my labwork is always fine AND my CT results which was a bit nerve racking cause in previous scans my results showed little to no shrinkage or improvement. The last one showed new growth in my upper right lobe in my right lung! Which was devastating as you can only imagine. Putting my body through the symptoms of chemo every 3 weeks only to be told that it's spread to another organ! This put me in a depression that I hid very well except to my boyfriend Aries. Which I know is not healthy to hide it but I didn't want to worry anyone.    ...

        Having stage four breast cancer I know that it's lifelong. There is no "remission" for me. I will have it till the day I die. That realization is hard for me to accept. I struggle with it every single day. I can't help it and I can't get away from it. It's in every thought and action I do on the daily. I'm having to continue chemo indefinitely every three weeks and it takes a toll on my body. But I also know of people who have lived years with stage four and my goal is to surpass that. I would love to do some of the things I was doing before I was diagnosed. I want to get in my car and go. Being a single parent I would load up my kid and drive to where the wind directed me. I had such freedom. After my spinal surgery in March I was restricted from driving, obviously. I was in a brace with little to no range in motion as far as turning and twisting my body from left to right. I went from a wheelchair, to a walker to nothing at all. I also had ...

Well, I did not expect bad news. It's taken me a couple days to....accept the results of my CT scan. I try not to think of it cause I can't stop the tears of frustration. When your oncologist who is sitting on a stool with wheels rolls up close to you and puts their hand over your hand to give results you know it's not good news. There are no significant changes in the size of my cancer spots/cells, however there is some new growth, spots in the upper lobe to my right lung. She says they're small spots, they're smaller than the size of a grain of rice. Well, last time I checked a grain of rice was pretty big to me when you think of it as cancerous. I'd  rather they be microscopic. Well, as you can imagine I began to sob. I let out a heavy breath of frustration. My treatment is going in the opposite direction. It's supposed to be shrinking my cancer not letting it spread to other organs! The thing with Stage 4 cancer is that it's "life long" t...