Breast Cancer Stage 4 My Journey

The week following chemo I'm such a blubbering mess. The sickness that engulfs my body is a constant reminder that I'm sick. That I've got a chronic disease to deal with for the rest of my life. That it's cancer I live with and It's  terminal. During this week that follows chemo, my emotions are all over the place. Sad, depressed, mad and if I'm being honest a bit jealous. Sad and depressed that I have to put my body through this just to stay alive. My quality of life in between sessions isn't all that. Yes I'm alive. Yes I'm living. Yes I'm working, getting out, spending time with my son, family, friends. Facetiming with my boyfriend, but doing all that at very low energy. Any time you see me doing anything it's because I'm forcing myself to use energy that I have little of. I'm so very mad because with this illness my body would much rather be sitting in a recliner resting, laying in bed sleeping, going through social media, watc...

I've been on Morphine for just over a year. You can't stop taking it cold turkey. It's not good for your body and I found out the hard way. I called in a refill last Thursday and my prescription wasn't filled. They are pretty good at refilling the same day or at the latest the following day so I wasn't worried that I only had a day left of morphine because I thought for sure I'd get my refill before the weekend. Yeah, I was wrong. My doctor left work for the weekend on Friday without calling it in to my pharmacy. Her nurse suggested I take vicoden for pain over the next couple days which I did.  By Sunday my body started to react. I was going into a dark depression with thoughts of dying and suicide (this hurts my heart like you wouldn't believe to admit this). I couldn't get myself out of bed. I was crying because I wanted to give up. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.  I didn't have the will or desire to do anything but lay in bed....

Today was a waste. I woke up with a spirt of energy and I was happy. I actually said out loud, "It's gonna be a good day" the sun had just risen and the air was crisp. I went to run an errand and unfortunately it depleted all my energy for the rest of the day.  Walking from my car at the curb to the front door was a chore. I almost ran out of steam halfway up the driveway but I said to myself I better not stop, keep walking and that I could rest once I got inside. The door was locked, ugh, I had to knock as my knees buckled a bit. I leaned on the door until someone unlocked it. Once inside I made it to the kitchen table and sat down happy to take the weight and pressure off of my weak legs. I feel as if I have no muscle tone on my body whatsoever. I tried to eat a taco but I could only stomach one bite. I then tried a biscuit but my stomach wasn't having it either and I realized I had no taste. Man that really sucks.  I spoke a few words with daddy and I felt...