Friday May 5th 2017

Today was a waste. I woke up with a spirt of energy and I was happy. I actually said out loud, "It's gonna be a good day" the sun had just risen and the air was crisp. I went to run an errand and unfortunately it depleted all my energy for the rest of the day. 

Walking from my car at the curb to the front door was a chore. I almost ran out of steam halfway up the driveway but I said to myself I better not stop, keep walking and that I could rest once I got inside. The door was locked, ugh, I had to knock as my knees buckled a bit. I leaned on the door until someone unlocked it. Once inside I made it to the kitchen table and sat down happy to take the weight and pressure off of my weak legs. I feel as if I have no muscle tone on my body whatsoever. I tried to eat a taco but I could only stomach one bite. I then tried a biscuit but my stomach wasn't having it either and I realized I had no taste. Man that really sucks. 

I spoke a few words with daddy and I felt what energy I had left, drain from my body. I know this sounds strange because I'm already sitting down i.e. resting but it takes energy to speak, energy to butter my biscuit, energy to lift food lean in and chew, energy to smile even. I consciously rest my arms on my lap and lean back in my chair. I'm so fatigued that if I leave them to dangle at my sides it could cause me to be off balance and sway. Leaving me to constantly correct myself if I were to lean too much to the right or left. So even though I'm sitting I'm still using up energy of which I have little of. I smile at daddy and say that I'm going to sit in my chair. I take a deep breath lift myself from the kitchen chair and walk into the den and plop in my recliner. I'm able to recline and elevate my legs and now I'm not using any energy but to breath.

How sad and depressing is my life the week after getting chemotherapy. I used to be full of life and gusto. My famous saying to my sister and son was "Where's your sense of adventure?" Midnight run to Dunkin Donuts for a hot chocolate in the fall? Yes please. Chinese meal downtown at 2am in the winter? I'm game! Secret rendezvous cuddling in Spring? For sure! Fly to London by myself to meet someone I've met online in the summer?  Eh, why not? 

Come to think of it, I've done a lot of living in my past A LOT (I mean a lot a lot). So, I shouldn't be too sad. I just want to have quality of life. I know chemo beats me up for a good week to 10 days. I keep wishful thinking that it's going to get better but it hasn't that much. Who knows, maybe one day it will be less harsh. This is only the first year completed of being on chemotherapy medication administered every three weeks. I'm hopeful that there might be changes in my regimen in the future that will work in my favor. I have HOPE!