Can't help it.
The week following chemo I'm such a blubbering mess. The sickness that engulfs my body is a constant reminder that I'm sick. That I've got a chronic disease to deal with for the rest of my life. That it's cancer I live with and It's terminal.
During this week that follows chemo, my emotions are all over the place. Sad, depressed, mad and if I'm being honest a bit jealous. Sad and depressed that I have to put my body through this just to stay alive. My quality of life in between sessions isn't all that. Yes I'm alive. Yes I'm living. Yes I'm working, getting out, spending time with my son, family, friends. Facetiming with my boyfriend, but doing all that at very low energy. Any time you see me doing anything it's because I'm forcing myself to use energy that I have little of.
I'm so very mad because with this illness my body would much rather be sitting in a recliner resting, laying in bed sleeping, going through social media, watching videos or anything else that takes little energy. My heart however wants to get up and do things with my son, family and friends without being tired. I want to go to all the family gatherings, all the birthdays, dinner, drinks etc. Showering tires me out, putting on makeup tires me out, changing clothes tires me out. I HATE what my life has become when it comes to this disease. It has sucked most of the life out of me.
Let's not forget the jealousy. Jealous of complete strangers. Of the lives they have. Just simply living life pain free, Happy go lucky. Their worries consist of work schedule, meal planning, mani pedi or both and what to do for Sunday-Funday. I push that feeling out of my mind as much as I can. It's not their fault I'm sick. Let's not forget the jealousy of acquaintances. I belong to a couple of breast cancer support groups and I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy when someone announces that they've completed their last round of chemo. Because more than likely I never will. I get that same jealous feeling when someone announces that they are now "cancer free" because I never will. Being stage IV I will live with cancer the rest of my life and be in some sort of treatment the rest of my life. Unless there is a breakthrough in science research for terminal cancer in my lifetime I'm stuck with it for a lifetime. So yes, I get jealous a bit but I can't help to think a few seconds after feeling jealous how happy and ecstatic they must feel and that puts a smile on my face for a bit. Just because I'm jealous doesn't mean I'm cold hearted and can't be genuinely happy for someone. I have a heart.
I just wish I had more energy. I wish I didn't feel drained all the time. Can you imagine being fatigued all the time? It's so exhausting.
During this week that follows chemo, my emotions are all over the place. Sad, depressed, mad and if I'm being honest a bit jealous. Sad and depressed that I have to put my body through this just to stay alive. My quality of life in between sessions isn't all that. Yes I'm alive. Yes I'm living. Yes I'm working, getting out, spending time with my son, family, friends. Facetiming with my boyfriend, but doing all that at very low energy. Any time you see me doing anything it's because I'm forcing myself to use energy that I have little of.
I'm so very mad because with this illness my body would much rather be sitting in a recliner resting, laying in bed sleeping, going through social media, watching videos or anything else that takes little energy. My heart however wants to get up and do things with my son, family and friends without being tired. I want to go to all the family gatherings, all the birthdays, dinner, drinks etc. Showering tires me out, putting on makeup tires me out, changing clothes tires me out. I HATE what my life has become when it comes to this disease. It has sucked most of the life out of me.
Let's not forget the jealousy. Jealous of complete strangers. Of the lives they have. Just simply living life pain free, Happy go lucky. Their worries consist of work schedule, meal planning, mani pedi or both and what to do for Sunday-Funday. I push that feeling out of my mind as much as I can. It's not their fault I'm sick. Let's not forget the jealousy of acquaintances. I belong to a couple of breast cancer support groups and I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy when someone announces that they've completed their last round of chemo. Because more than likely I never will. I get that same jealous feeling when someone announces that they are now "cancer free" because I never will. Being stage IV I will live with cancer the rest of my life and be in some sort of treatment the rest of my life. Unless there is a breakthrough in science research for terminal cancer in my lifetime I'm stuck with it for a lifetime. So yes, I get jealous a bit but I can't help to think a few seconds after feeling jealous how happy and ecstatic they must feel and that puts a smile on my face for a bit. Just because I'm jealous doesn't mean I'm cold hearted and can't be genuinely happy for someone. I have a heart.
I just wish I had more energy. I wish I didn't feel drained all the time. Can you imagine being fatigued all the time? It's so exhausting.
I know I'm dramatic. It's in my nature but more so now.
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