I'm addicted to Morphine

I've been on Morphine for just over a year. You can't stop taking it cold turkey. It's not good for your body and I found out the hard way.
I called in a refill last Thursday and my prescription wasn't filled. They are pretty good at refilling the same day or at the latest the following day so I wasn't worried that I only had a day left of morphine because I thought for sure I'd get my refill before the weekend. Yeah, I was wrong. My doctor left work for the weekend on Friday without calling it in to my pharmacy. Her nurse suggested I take vicoden for pain over the next couple days which I did. 

By Sunday my body started to react. I was going into a dark depression with thoughts of dying and suicide (this hurts my heart like you wouldn't believe to admit this). I couldn't get myself out of bed. I was crying because I wanted to give up. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.  I didn't have the will or desire to do anything but lay in bed. I thought to myself that my parents are going to have to bury their child. My sister and brothers will go on with life hurting every time they think of me because I won't be there. My boyfriend will get a call from my family with the horrible news and he'll go crazy and feel lost and helpless and heartbroken. My son will be devastated, sad, heart broken and alone. Just imagining the sorrow in his eyes kills me. Imagining the sorrow and sadness in any of their eyes aches deep within my soul. Thinking of my son I buried my face into the pillow and let out the most sorrowful moans while I wept. Thinking back now I image I sounded like the lloŕona (mexican folklore).
All around me life continued. It was mothers day so people were up and down, cleaning, running quick errands, cooking etc because we were having a small gathering and I was laying in bed with my face buried in the sheets crying. My body wanted or should I say needed the morphine. I was going through withdrawals. The vicoden wasn't cutting it. Had it not been for my son texting me and my mom encouraging me to get up and change I would have stayed in bed. It took every ounce of me to get up but I had to for my son. I decided to take a pain pill from someone who uses it for their back pain. I know I'm not supposed to take other people's pain medication but I was desperate. It actually took the edge off and I was able to function like normal. Once the medication wore off I again began to feel bad it was late and I was awoken by this feeling of dread. I was restless. My legs ached, my arms ached my whole body ached deep within my bones. I got up and layed on the sofa for about an hour then I got up and layed on the recliner for an hour or two then to another sofa for an hour then back to the recliner. I couldn't get comfortable, I was antsy. Everywhere I layed I was twitching and restless and I couldn't sleep. I began to cry again because not only am I not getting any rest but I have to work in the morning. I finally fell asleep on the recliner and got about three solid hours of sleep before my alarm went off. I snoozed a few times before I told myself that I have to get up and face the day. I was happy that it was Monday and I would be getting my morphine sometime today. I told myself I just have to push through the morning and I would be getting relief that afternoon. The first couple of hours I managed to get work done but come lunchtime I ran out of steam. My body discomfort and headache began to swell. I was on the verge of a full blown migraine and my right eye began to tear up and twitch the lights above me seemed to be getting brighter and I began to feel a bit nauseous. I was an hour shy of finishing my shift but I couldn't take much more. I had to leave work for fear of letting my body get worse and driving myself off the highway. I had to stop for gas and while I fumbled through my purse frustrated because I just wanted to be home in bed I found half a pill of morphine! I bought a bottle of water and took it as I pumped my gas. I drove home with a massive headache and tears running down my face because my body just wanted to give up. But I held tight to the steering wheel. I just needed to make it home. I knew it was the withdrawal talking not the real me. The real me would never leave my son. Ever. No matter how hard it is for me to go on. I will live a life of silent pain to stay alive for that kid. I will not put him through having to bury me.
I got home and layed down straight away. I was awoken by my phone ringing. It was my oncologist office calling to tell me my morphine had been called into my pharmacy. I got up to use the ladies room and I could already tell I was feeling better from that half a pill I took earlier at the gas station. This is how my body reacts to quitting morphine cold turkey. I know I'll need to be off of it eventually. I don't like that I'm addicted to it but I'd want to be taken off of it gradually the safe way. I'm almost embarrassed and ashamed of my thoughts but I'm just being real. These are truly the things that I experienced, felt and thought.

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"I Just Called To Say I Love You"

No New Year's Day to celebrate
No chocolate covered candy hearts to give away
No first of spring
No song to sing
In fact here's just another ordinary day

No April rain
No flowers bloom
No wedding Saturday within the month of June
But what it is, is something true
Made up of these three words that I must say to you

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart

No summer's high
No warm July
No harvest moon to light one tender August night
No autumn breeze
No falling leaves
Not even time for birds to fly to southern skies

No Libra sun
No Halloween
No giving thanks to all the Christmas joy you bring
But what it is, though old so new
To fill your heart like no three words could ever do

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care, I do
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care, I do
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart, of my heart,
of my heart

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care, I do
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart, of my heart,
baby of my heart