Aches, withdrawal & depression, Merry Christmas to me

I've been in bed since Saturday night with a bad stomach bug. I missed Christmas and this makes me so sad. I heard the happy jolly festivities comencing in the rest of the house as I lay moaning and groaning in a bundle in the corner room trying to sleep it off on Christmas Eve. I heard the door creak open and I half awoke from a nap. I didn't realize my son was sitting on the edge of the bed by my side in the dark. The creak from the door opening was my mother checking in on me. I heard her step in and speak to my son. She said, "no, mijo don't cry, your mommas going to be ok" I was half asleep but I still felt that tinge in my heart as it ached for him as I hate making him sad. I drifted back to sleep as he layed down next to me. Although I was asleep I was a happy momma he was laying by my side.
I heard my brothers check in on me as they whispered Merry Christmas to me each at separate times. My sister came in and offered to take me to the ER as she heard me moaning in discomfort. Even daddy came in to see how I was doing. So much love fills our home. I'm very lucky for that love and support.

My doctor weened me off of my pain medication better known as morphine. I was reluctant at the thought of the back pain I would have to endure but I had no choice as she could not write out the triplicate without approval for the narcotic. Not sure if the system was down, busy or if they closed early for Christmas break. She basically said I'd have to wait for a few days if I really need it or I'd have to go to the emergency room if things got really bad for me. I didn't think I could do it but here I am with no morphine for 5 days and I'm still ticking. Barely but y'all know what I mean. I can't believe that I feel basically the same with or without the morphine. I guess my body became immune to it. I'm really happy to be off of it however, being off of the morphine meant I'd have some withdrawal being that I've been taking it for almost 2 years. So not only am I dealing with a stomach bug I'm also going through withdrawals. My body got fatigued, I couldn't get out of bed unless to use the bathroom, loss of appetite, easily to cry, lost the will to do anything really. It all happened so quickly. Christmas eve and Christmas day came and went. I had a piece of toast with apple juice on the third day of not eating thanks to my mother because I just didn't have the energy to get it myself. I knew I had to try and eat something for energy. Then it was back to bed. My mind kept going into and out of sadness and depression. I think that's from not having the morphine. I would start thinking of dying laying in my death bed having to say goodbye and telling my son that i don't want to leave him reaching out to him in sorrow. Then I would get super angry at myself for being weak and then I'd think of my son. I would wipe away the tears in anger and say strongly to myself "I continue to fight for Him" meaning my son. Force myself out of bed walk to the back door to get some fresh air, drink a cup of water and go back to bed but at least not crying. Wednesday I finally decided to take a medication prescribed to me a year ago for anxiety which took the edge off the anxiety but I still felt I needed something for depression. Today I finally feel better thank God. I kept saying in the back of my head that I will have better days ahead of me and a saying that a friend of mine Gloria says sometimes, "this too shall pass" and so hear I am with the worst behind me. Just wish the days weren't so dreary and freezing cold but I'm happy I'm off the morphine! Wish me luck friends.