Should I or shouldn't I? Decisions
Having stage four breast cancer I know that it's lifelong. There is no "remission" for me. I will have it till the day I die. That realization is hard for me to accept. I struggle with it every single day. I can't help it and I can't get away from it. It's in every thought and action I do on the daily. I'm having to continue chemo indefinitely every three weeks and it takes a toll on my body. But I also know of people who have lived years with stage four and my goal is to surpass that.
I would love to do some of the things I was doing before I was diagnosed. I want to get in my car and go. Being a single parent I would load up my kid and drive to where the wind directed me. I had such freedom. After my spinal surgery in March I was restricted from driving, obviously. I was in a brace with little to no range in motion as far as turning and twisting my body from left to right. I went from a wheelchair, to a walker to nothing at all. I also had trouble looking up and down.
Well, my surgeon ran some xrays and he said I'm healing slowly but that if I wanted, I could begin to drive short distances during the day preferably with someone. Just hearing him say that felt so good cause I couldn't get up and go on my own. I had to ask for a ride to my doctors appointments. I hated asking anything more than that. My family has done so much for me as it is. I haven't driven yet except one time at Garner State Park when everyone was at the river and I had to go to the bathroom and I waited to long to go and so I had to drive just over about 200 yards lol!
I would love to go back to work. I have two main doctors. My Oncologist and my Spinal Surgeon. My surgeon has cleared me for part time work, light duty ONLY if I feel up to it he says (lol). I still carry alot of tension in my upper back and neck. It still feels rigid and my head begins to feel heavy after a couple hours if I don't rest it on a high back chair. If I don't give my head and neck a rest I get a terrible tension headache and then the rigged discomfort in my neck and upper back turns into pain.
My Oncologist on the other hand is concerned that it may be too soon. With everything I've been through she says it could take a year before I'm healed enough to feel the most normal I'll feel. Being that I'm to be on chemotherapy Indefinitely every three weeks I'd have to take every third week off of work. Along with that I'd have to be able to make other appointments like labwork, CT scans, MRI's etc. Being that I'll be part time I'm sure I could work something out. She's just concerned for me. I look normal on the outside for the most part but internally my body is fighting Cancer that quite frankly is moving along much slower than hoped for. Internally I'm going through a roller-coaster of emotions on a daily basis.
My employer, on the other hand, has been a dream to work with but my FMLA is just about up. After speaking to H.R. she is willing to work with me as far as approving a schedule that my director will need to work up. I just feel like I'm asking for a lot. To be honest some family and friends are hopeful that getting back to work part time will be a good thing. Getting out, change of scenery, fresh air, keeping my mind busy, helping others etc.
On the other hand, other family and friends would rather I take it slow still. They want me to heal and recover at the pace my body is going. Which like I mentioned is going slower than hoped. They know at times I feel like I'm getting "cabin fever" and I have a lot of time for my mind to wander and worry but they really want me to not push myself as I usually do in a working environment.
So, i'm a bit torn. I'm anxious and excited about going back to work for sure but a small part of me is scared that I won't be able to keep up and be fatigued as I am most days. I definatly don't want to disappoint and that's the thing I struggle with most at work.
Only time will tell. I'll keep y'all posted. Wish me luck in my decision! Love you guys!
I would love to do some of the things I was doing before I was diagnosed. I want to get in my car and go. Being a single parent I would load up my kid and drive to where the wind directed me. I had such freedom. After my spinal surgery in March I was restricted from driving, obviously. I was in a brace with little to no range in motion as far as turning and twisting my body from left to right. I went from a wheelchair, to a walker to nothing at all. I also had trouble looking up and down.
Well, my surgeon ran some xrays and he said I'm healing slowly but that if I wanted, I could begin to drive short distances during the day preferably with someone. Just hearing him say that felt so good cause I couldn't get up and go on my own. I had to ask for a ride to my doctors appointments. I hated asking anything more than that. My family has done so much for me as it is. I haven't driven yet except one time at Garner State Park when everyone was at the river and I had to go to the bathroom and I waited to long to go and so I had to drive just over about 200 yards lol!
I would love to go back to work. I have two main doctors. My Oncologist and my Spinal Surgeon. My surgeon has cleared me for part time work, light duty ONLY if I feel up to it he says (lol). I still carry alot of tension in my upper back and neck. It still feels rigid and my head begins to feel heavy after a couple hours if I don't rest it on a high back chair. If I don't give my head and neck a rest I get a terrible tension headache and then the rigged discomfort in my neck and upper back turns into pain.
My Oncologist on the other hand is concerned that it may be too soon. With everything I've been through she says it could take a year before I'm healed enough to feel the most normal I'll feel. Being that I'm to be on chemotherapy Indefinitely every three weeks I'd have to take every third week off of work. Along with that I'd have to be able to make other appointments like labwork, CT scans, MRI's etc. Being that I'll be part time I'm sure I could work something out. She's just concerned for me. I look normal on the outside for the most part but internally my body is fighting Cancer that quite frankly is moving along much slower than hoped for. Internally I'm going through a roller-coaster of emotions on a daily basis.
My employer, on the other hand, has been a dream to work with but my FMLA is just about up. After speaking to H.R. she is willing to work with me as far as approving a schedule that my director will need to work up. I just feel like I'm asking for a lot. To be honest some family and friends are hopeful that getting back to work part time will be a good thing. Getting out, change of scenery, fresh air, keeping my mind busy, helping others etc.
On the other hand, other family and friends would rather I take it slow still. They want me to heal and recover at the pace my body is going. Which like I mentioned is going slower than hoped. They know at times I feel like I'm getting "cabin fever" and I have a lot of time for my mind to wander and worry but they really want me to not push myself as I usually do in a working environment.
So, i'm a bit torn. I'm anxious and excited about going back to work for sure but a small part of me is scared that I won't be able to keep up and be fatigued as I am most days. I definatly don't want to disappoint and that's the thing I struggle with most at work.
Only time will tell. I'll keep y'all posted. Wish me luck in my decision! Love you guys!
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