Breast Cancer Stage 4 My Journey

I'm just so tired. I'm three weeks shy of being on chemotherapy for 1 year. I get my infusions every three weeks and I'm always fatigued. Always. The week after chemo is the worst of course. Five days after chemo I had to go to the bank and go inside to withdraw funds for my rent. I couldn't do it at the atm because it succeeded my daily withdrawal amount. Well, there was a long que and I immediately felt worried because I knew I'd be standing for a while with nowhere to rest. I wasn't halfway through and I began to look around to see if there were employees readily accessible because I felt I might need a chair soon because my legs were feeling weak under me. As I stood there in line I could feel my body sway a bit. I shifted my weight and kept telling myself that the line was moving along and I'm getting closer and closer. I could feel my head and shoulders getting hot. I felt like a marionette puppet attached to strings that my mind controlled. I had

Crazy as it seems, even though I have stage 4 terminal cancer, I've never thought of where I want to be when I take my last breath. At home surrounded by family. At a hospital surrounded by family In hospice surrounded by family In hospice alone where family remembers me alive and kicking and next in a casket. I'm hoping I don't have to decide for a very long time but being advanced stage 4 and having made alot of acquaintances and a few friends with this disease along with the support groups, I get a notification at least once a month of someone passing away from this horrible disease. It really breaks my heart and is so depressing but it's reality. We are all going to die one day. Some of us get to choose where and with who.

       My legs feel so heavy at times. It's hard for me to explain. I guess for me it's like dead weight. Taking one step up takes effort. It's not an automatic move like everyone else. Stepping up onto a curb, up into the entrance of my home or up into a high truck with a stepside for some examples takes thought, effort and strength (of which I have little of).        If I have to walk up a flight of stairs I usually lose energy before I've reached the top. I have to reach up and grip the rail to help pull myself up for each step. Its a huge workout for my legs and makes them feel weak and wobbly. Once I've reached the top, if I continue to walk I have to concentrate on every step because my knees are shaky and I feel I could possibly collapse so I have to stop and rest or preferably sit and rest to regain some energy.       I went to the mall to pick up my son from work early one day. I walked from the parking lot, through the entrance, down a short hall, up

Ok, here's the thing. Most people say you can't "feel" cancer. I can't "feel" my cancer. The only thing I feel is the constant ache in my back from the surgery that's being controlled with morphine but that's a different thing all together.        Anyhow, like I was saying, I can't feel the cancer that's in my breast and metastasized to my lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver, lung and bones. I sometimes feel gently on those areas and wonder if I'm feeling the cancer. I'm stage four which is lifelong. When I die I will die with cancer. May not be because of cancer but will definitely be with it.        I got very good news a few months ago. Actually, it was WONDERFULLY AMAZING news that anyone in my situation would hope to hear. My cancer has shrunk. It is considered NEAD - No Evidence of Active Disease! The CT can not detect it. Which means it has shrunk to under a centimeter or more!!! Oh Happy Day right? Well, I was a bit happy in