Just so tired.

I'm just so tired. I'm three weeks shy of being on chemotherapy for 1 year. I get my infusions every three weeks and I'm always fatigued. Always. The week after chemo is the worst of course. Five days after chemo I had to go to the bank and go inside to withdraw funds for my rent. I couldn't do it at the atm because it succeeded my daily withdrawal amount. Well, there was a long que and I immediately felt worried because I knew I'd be standing for a while with nowhere to rest. I wasn't halfway through and I began to look around to see if there were employees readily accessible because I felt I might need a chair soon because my legs were feeling weak under me. As I stood there in line I could feel my body sway a bit. I shifted my weight and kept telling myself that the line was moving along and I'm getting closer and closer. I could feel my head and shoulders getting hot.

I felt like a marionette puppet attached to strings that my mind controlled. I had to concentrate on lifting each leg and foot off the ground and dragging it a foot ahead of me and again with the other leg and foot. I still had control of my upper body but I was slow moving and feeling very fatigued. I was glad to get to the stainless steel posts that attached the blue velvet hanging rope barrier. For at least I had something to hold and lean on. I was more than halfway through the que and there was a bench right on the other side of the velvet rope so I told the person behind me that I needed to sit for a couple minutes but I didn't want to lose my spot in line. He smiled and said of course. Thank goodness because I felt I could drop at any moment if I couldn't rest my body. I was able to sit for a couple minutes and that's what I needed to muster up enough energy for the rest of the way. I was so relieved to reach the teller.

This of course was the week following chemo when I'm at my worst. I forced myself out of the house to pay my rent and thank goodness I had that much energy to do it. Otherwise I would have just stayed in bed and payed the late fee. Because believe me there are a couple days in that week following chemo that I can barely walk to the bathroom without holding the walls.

The following week is a bit better. I go to work and I'm thankful that I have a desk to do my work. Since coming back to work after a year I can not test on patients or be up and down on my feet as I was before getting cancer and having spinal surgery. I hate to admit that out loud. It makes me sad and I feel mentally weak and helpless. But it's true. I don't have the energy or stamina or my bubbly personality to do it. I just realized just now at this moment that my bubbly personality is gone. Interacting with patients brought that out of me. Actually, not completing gone. I translate my bubbly personality over the phone when I call patients. It's like a switch comes on and it's no longer about me being physically uncomfortable but about the patient having a pleasant conversation with me as a person. When it's time to clock out I'm ready to get home and plop in my recliner or my bed. I'm so tired and fatigued and low energy. It's the same for the following week which is the week before chemo.

The weekend before chemo I try to participate in family outings or events. I want to participate and show up but it doesn't always happen. Just taking a shower is a feat in itself and I sit on a chair in the shower to shower. Once I get out and dry off I'm a bit out of breath. I try to dry off, oil and lotion my body and put on my clothes without having to sit on the toilet and rest. Which I'm able to do most every time now. I get out and sit on my recliner for a few minutes to catch my breath and then I get up to put on my makeup (sitting down) taking my time. I then change into my outfit slowly because I always feel like I'm going to trip. I find myself holding onto a chair every few seconds as I change because I feel off balance. I know all my balance issues are due to my surgery. My upper back and neck pain is mild but it's constant, controlled with medication. I feel off balance all the time.

When I'm on my way to a family outing or an event I'm genuinely happy to get to spend a good time with family and friends and hopefully make happy memories. I try not to let it show that my back hurts or that I'm uncomfortable due to fatigue. I smile and try and have a good time through the pain. An hour or two in, it gets harder to keep up my smile. I'm thinking of getting home and resting. Even though I'm not doing anything strenuous. The only time I feel the least pain, the least fatigued and the most comfortable is when I'm laying down.

Laying Down!?! I'm confused. Did I just say Laying Down? I don't want to be the most comfortable laying down. I want to spend hours at the mall with my son, I want to be back and forth in Chicago O'hare airport going from terminal C1 to C27 to C9 because they keep changing which terminal my flight is leaving from with my heavy carry on bag strap digging into my shoulder. I want to go to work and test on patients all day and feel like I've accomplished a hard days pay. I want to be back in London starting my day in the morning and walking from tube station to tube station (subway) sightseeing, visiting all the touristy places till the sun goes down. I want to go to Paris and take a picture with my son under the Eiffel Tower. I want to go to Rome see the Mona Lisa and toss a coin over my shoulder into Treve' Fountain. They say if you toss a coin into the fountain you're sure to return for another visit.

I want to do so much and not feel constant pain, not be out of breath, not be fatigued not wanting to sit every 5 to 10 minutes and definatly not Laying Down!

I know I get defeated and feel helpless but I know I will always pick myself up no matter how fatigued I am and I will continue to do so until my dying breath.

I HATE YOU CANCER! With every single fiber of my being I Hate You!