I'm not psychotic!

Ok, here's the thing. Most people say you can't "feel" cancer. I can't "feel" my cancer. The only thing I feel is the constant ache in my back from the surgery that's being controlled with morphine but that's a different thing all together.
       Anyhow, like I was saying, I can't feel the cancer that's in my breast and metastasized to my lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver, lung and bones. I sometimes feel gently on those areas and wonder if I'm feeling the cancer. I'm stage four which is lifelong. When I die I will die with cancer. May not be because of cancer but will definitely be with it.
       I got very good news a few months ago. Actually, it was WONDERFULLY AMAZING news that anyone in my situation would hope to hear. My cancer has shrunk. It is considered NEAD - No Evidence of Active Disease! The CT can not detect it. Which means it has shrunk to under a centimeter or more!!! Oh Happy Day right? Well, I was a bit happy inside and when the doctor finally convinced me I did let out a relieved breath and smiled. My mom who was with me stood and was jumping for joy, she was saying "It's a Miracle!" I wasn't happy as she was. I was confused. My oncologist saw this confusion on my face as I stared at my mom from my seat, not joining her in her overwhelming happiness. My mom finally sat on the edge of her seat and was almost giddy! Lol Bless her heart. I love her to death. So, my oncologist began to explain that even though the chemo is working and doing it's job I still have stage 4, I still have cancer cells. I think my mom thought I was "cured" but I knew better. I knew there was a BUT... in there somewhere. You see, cancer is smart. It will more likely figure a way around the medications and grow again. In some people the medication works for years and years before the cancer stops and figures a way around it. In some people the cancer figures a way around it in a matter of months. THAT'S why I wasn't JUMPING for JOY. Although I'm happy about the news, It's also a waiting game. Waiting for the other shoe to fall. Wondering every 3 weeks if it has returned. Will my tumor markers rise? An indication of growth. I have a friend Sharon who is on her 4th chemo regime because the cancer keeps figuring a way around the medication. She's running out of options and is now solely seeking clinical trials. This scares me to death.
               

On the other hand I know a few woman who have been NEAD for years. So, why can't I be happy? Why can't I be happy with my news? Why do I have to dwell on the negative and not the positive? I don't know why it's in my nature to do this. I can't let my guard down. I tell myself to be happy now and if/when it returns is when I should be sad but nope. I don't know why it's so hard for me. 

     I realized that when I asked my oncologist for something for depression yesterday at my 15th round of chemo. She sat back from her laptop and looked me straight in the eyes and asked me why I thought I needed it. I sat back myself and thought for a second. So I started to explain. I get depressed about two days after chemo when I'm sick with fatigue, anything I try to eat gives me diarrhea so I eventually stop eating which is ok because by this time I tend to lose my appetite and get a bit of nausea. Then, I lay in bed for a good 3 days straight after that when I feel the sickest only getting up to go pee (because of the chemo meds) and now I'm constipated. I get hot flashes, my muscles twist, ache and cramp under my skin and back. My bones in my legs, arms and spine ache as well. I notice that when I stand my legs are shaky and weak. I know I must eat something at this point so I get a half cup of soup and water. Then, if I forget to take something for constipation (cause my mind is in a fog) I'm on the toilet for about thirty plus minutes. I can't get up and wait it out laying down because it's right there, on the verge but just won't let go. So, after quit a few grunts, pushes and different positions (I've tried everything). Laying back usually with both legs up I'm finally able to release but it's not free flowing if you know what I mean. A bit of a struggle still to get it all out. A few days pass then I feel hungry, I'm not hungry, I feel hungry, I'm not hungry. When I do eat I can smell this delightfully delicious food but I can't taste it. I'm sad. It's like chewing nothing. I push my plate away and the hunger is gone. Kind of like a child having a tantrum, I know. Every day it gets better. It takes about 7 - 10 days from start to finish. For those 7 - 10 days I get depressed. Especially the 3 days right smack dab in the middle of it all. I weep and I get sad and I'm so depressed. Because even though I can't "feel" my cancer and even though my cancer has shrunk, I still have to do chemotherapy every three weeks that makes me sick as I've described and I still have stage four and I think to myself, "I have to do this shit for the rest of my life?" I don't know if I can do it. AND that's why I asked for something to take for depression. I even feel these thoughts on my good days and let out a short cry. I don't like feeling or being depressed and if I could take something to help me I want to give it a try. Believe me, it took alot for me to ask. I felt for a long time that these drugs were associated with psychotics when really they are not. They are anti-depressants. A big difference. Not that there's anything wrong with taking anti-psychotic medication. 

     So yeah, after hearing me she sent a prescription to my pharmacy. I haven't picked them up. The first step is asking for help. Now I've got to get them. Then I've got to take them. I still associate them with being weak. So what If I am? I need a little help. It's a huge thing to go through. Having metastatic, stage 4, lifelong cancer, I will die having cancer. May not be from it but I will have it until the day I die. Having to go through what I'm going through its no wonder I'm a little sad. Ok, a lot sad. I can't get away from it, it's a daily constant mind Fuck. See, now I'm sad again! Go figure.