That time again already?

I couldn't sleep well last night, I tossed and turned. A three letter question krept into my dreams and woke me. A few times today, out of nowhere, tears filled my eyes and an instant lump swelled in my throat because that same three letter word snuck up on me causing me to cry silent tears. Crying because I know I'll never have an answer. Crying because there is no answer.
A few days before chemo my mind goes into overload and I mentally start counting down the days. I start to feel sad and depressed the closer I get thinking of what could of been, what is now and what could be in the future. My heart body and soul know I have chemo tomorrow. That three letter word haunts my dreams and taunts me when I'm awake. Looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, looking into my sad hurt eyes, looking at my bald head, looking up towards the heavens, tears streaming down my cheeks, silently screaming that single question. My brain understands that there will never be an answer, ever, but my heart apparently isn't that smart.

Comments

  1. KatJune 13, 2017 at 8:02 AM

    I feel your pain and frustration. I have been through 4 different chemo regimens that have all stopped working. Now I am on Xeloda and praying it stops the mets from spreading. At my original dose they had me on, the side effects were so bad I had to stop and ended up in the hospital 3x! Now i am back on at much lower dose just praying that it works and that the side effects are livable. I try so hard to see the positives in all of this, closer to family and friends, my figure is back - helluva a way to get it back! But the WHY is always there and the answer will never come. I don't want to be the inspiration to everyone!!! I want my life back, my energy back and I know that's not going to happen and I know I need to live with my new normal and keep fighting! Keep fighting sister - I'm with you.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I don't want chemo I NEED chemo

I NEVER POSTED THIS IN JANUARY 2018 So basically, with my new insurance I needed a prior authorization to get my bone strengthener infusion and my chemo pills. I got the prior authorization however I have to pay 4 thousand for one of my chemo pills and 5 thousand for the second one. Esther in the pharmacy called me with this news. She said she was able to get me a grant but it only covers the first medication and not the other. She didn't want to fill the one by itself because I take both medications together as they work better together. I told her I couldn't pay for the second. She said she would ask someone in the patient services department for help finding another grant. Gracie from patient services called me back a few hours later, 4 o'clock this past Friday. She said she couldn't find anything that I qualify for. Mostly because I'm working (part time 15hrs a week) so I'm making to much money. I was so angry because if I was at home not working I woul
Read more

CT Results

Image
Well, it's not the news I wanted to hear. My cancer is no longer "stable" It has progressed in my lung and lymphnodes. My run with perjeta, herceptin and taxotere has come to an end. My oncologist is trying to get Tykerb and Xeloda approved by my insurance. Once approved I will no longer take my original medication through my mediport every 3 weeks but rather my new medication In pill form two weeks on and one week off. I'm worried how my body will react to stopping the medication I've been on for just over a year and starting something completely new. Will it be a shock to my body? I'm worried of the side effects of the new medications. Especially the sores in my mouth and the hand and foot syndrome which causes my palms and bottom of my feet to dry up and crack and bleed making it difficult to walk. Of course the usual side effects of diarrhea, vomiting and fatigue are attached to these drugs. I'll face any and all issues as I'm faced with them. I g
Read more

Aches, withdrawal & depression, Merry Christmas to me

Image
I've been in bed since Saturday night with a bad stomach bug. I missed Christmas and this makes me so sad. I heard the happy jolly festivities comencing in the rest of the house as I lay moaning and groaning in a bundle in the corner room trying to sleep it off on Christmas Eve. I heard the door creak open and I half awoke from a nap. I didn't realize my son was sitting on the edge of the bed by my side in the dark. The creak from the door opening was my mother checking in on me. I heard her step in and speak to my son. She said, "no, mijo don't cry, your mommas going to be ok" I was half asleep but I still felt that tinge in my heart as it ached for him as I hate making him sad. I drifted back to sleep as he layed down next to me. Although I was asleep I was a happy momma he was laying by my side. I heard my brothers check in on me as they whispered Merry Christmas to me each at separate times. My sister came in and offered to take me to the ER as she heard me
Read more