CT results
A CT was ordered to see what kind of progress the chemo has made thus far. My oncologist said that the cancer has not spread to any other areas. The cancer has not gotten any bigger however it has not shrunk as much as she would have liked at this point. My heart ached hearing this. She sensed that I was not pleased and reiterated that it has not grown AND it has not spread either. She said to give this news it's proper credit for being a small victory. I just couldn't help myself in concentrating on the negative. I don't know why I do that.
My sister asked her what the plan was after my 6th chemo. Will she order radiation, or order surgery to remove my breast(s)? Etc. She said I was to continue chemo indefinitely. This was a shock to my system. I was in disbelief. I felt like the air was sucked out of my world and I couldn't breath. The word sank in, INDEFINITELY. My eyes filled with tears. I tried to slow my heavy breathing. I was on the verge of having a panic attack. She offered a tissue from the tissue box. I grabbed one and dabbed my eyes. I was distracted by the thought of ruining my full face of makeup. I told myself to hold it together. I said to myself that if I wanted to cry I could cry later. I didn't want to lose it there cause then that would just open the flood gates and I don't know if I'd be able to contain myself. I held it together and I can't remember much of what was said after that. That's where my sissy comes in, she's the level headed one and remembers anything important.
As I sit here updating this blog I pause and reflect. Tears running down my cheeks. My life has forever changed from what it once was. What was once my normal life is now just a memory. It will never be the same. Yes I had some rough times here and there but I got through it, we (me and my son) got through it. At times, like tonight, I'm so angry and sad asking the question "why". Frustrated cause I know I will never have an answer. Wiping my tears with my bed sheet and trying to lower my whimpering voice as I cry cause I don't want anyone to hear me. I feel so lonely..............
My sister asked her what the plan was after my 6th chemo. Will she order radiation, or order surgery to remove my breast(s)? Etc. She said I was to continue chemo indefinitely. This was a shock to my system. I was in disbelief. I felt like the air was sucked out of my world and I couldn't breath. The word sank in, INDEFINITELY. My eyes filled with tears. I tried to slow my heavy breathing. I was on the verge of having a panic attack. She offered a tissue from the tissue box. I grabbed one and dabbed my eyes. I was distracted by the thought of ruining my full face of makeup. I told myself to hold it together. I said to myself that if I wanted to cry I could cry later. I didn't want to lose it there cause then that would just open the flood gates and I don't know if I'd be able to contain myself. I held it together and I can't remember much of what was said after that. That's where my sissy comes in, she's the level headed one and remembers anything important.
As I sit here updating this blog I pause and reflect. Tears running down my cheeks. My life has forever changed from what it once was. What was once my normal life is now just a memory. It will never be the same. Yes I had some rough times here and there but I got through it, we (me and my son) got through it. At times, like tonight, I'm so angry and sad asking the question "why". Frustrated cause I know I will never have an answer. Wiping my tears with my bed sheet and trying to lower my whimpering voice as I cry cause I don't want anyone to hear me. I feel so lonely..............
Even though I cry and feel lonely I will wake up tomorrow and thank God for another day and appreciate, even the little things.
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