Feeling Emotional
I don't know why I'm so emotional, at times sad. I received great news on my CT results. I feel anyone would be jumping for joy. My cancer has shrunk to under a centimeter!
I think I've been holding in my feelings, my hurt, my anger and it's all spilling over. I'd love to say that I'm leaving these emotions in 2016 but im afraid to say I'm probably going to carry them over.
It's hard to be happy when you are the kind of person who wonders about the "what if". What if I let myself be happy and I find out it has come back, it has grown, it has taken over my organs, taken over my body!
Why do I do this to myself? Being told you have cancer, being told it's spread to your lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver and spine then months later your lung. Being told it's stage four and there is no cure, being told you will never be in remission, being told you'll have cancer your entire life. On top of that, still recovering from major spinal surgery where a cancerous mass had disintegrated three vertebrae to dust. I also had to have three vertebrae above and three below that reinforced. Total of 9!
Always being around family and friends it's hard to "let it all out" so I don't. I hold the emotions in. I cry for a minute and then I have to immediately catch my breath and stop myself cause for one I don't want to make anyone sad for me, second I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable and third, I don't want anyone to think I've given up the fight I guess. I really don't know why I don't cry and cry till I can't cry anymore. I feel I'm going to be emotional the rest of my life since I'll have cancer the rest of my life. I hate that secretly I will be sad the rest of my life too. The short moments that I "seem" ok it's just to make whoever I'm with comfortable being around me but I'm for the most part constantly sad. Which brings me to my son. He makes me happy but I still have an underlying sadness. Ugh! I hate feeling this way. I guess I'm done rambling tonight.
I think I've been holding in my feelings, my hurt, my anger and it's all spilling over. I'd love to say that I'm leaving these emotions in 2016 but im afraid to say I'm probably going to carry them over.
It's hard to be happy when you are the kind of person who wonders about the "what if". What if I let myself be happy and I find out it has come back, it has grown, it has taken over my organs, taken over my body!
Why do I do this to myself? Being told you have cancer, being told it's spread to your lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver and spine then months later your lung. Being told it's stage four and there is no cure, being told you will never be in remission, being told you'll have cancer your entire life. On top of that, still recovering from major spinal surgery where a cancerous mass had disintegrated three vertebrae to dust. I also had to have three vertebrae above and three below that reinforced. Total of 9!
Always being around family and friends it's hard to "let it all out" so I don't. I hold the emotions in. I cry for a minute and then I have to immediately catch my breath and stop myself cause for one I don't want to make anyone sad for me, second I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable and third, I don't want anyone to think I've given up the fight I guess. I really don't know why I don't cry and cry till I can't cry anymore. I feel I'm going to be emotional the rest of my life since I'll have cancer the rest of my life. I hate that secretly I will be sad the rest of my life too. The short moments that I "seem" ok it's just to make whoever I'm with comfortable being around me but I'm for the most part constantly sad. Which brings me to my son. He makes me happy but I still have an underlying sadness. Ugh! I hate feeling this way. I guess I'm done rambling tonight.
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