Chemo 13. Am I depressed?

Well, chemo#14 went as planned. The only difference is that I went alone. I've been spoiled for too long. I usually have my sister or my mom with me. Not by my choice entirely. I don't mind either way cause I hate putting people out but it helps keep things in order as far as information given to me whether it be results or future tests that I need to get cause I can be forgetful. They like supporting me and in their eyes I'm not putting them out.

So I got everything except my zometa which is my bone strengthener. I get that every 6 weeks. I got my usual cocktail of Perjeta, herceptin and taxotere. I got benadryl and a steroid as well. My markers are at 10 I believe. I'm not having a CT in March which I'm surprised cause I get a CT every 3 months. She seems to think everything looks good. The last CT didn't detect any cancer which means it has shrunk to under 1cm everywhere and my markers are low. My labs are very good according to her. There is no indication to suggest growth, so no CT this time around.

I should be very happy with this news but just knowing that the chemo is going to knock me down for a week makes me sad and a bit depressed if I'm honest. My oncologist gave me antidepressants to take when I'm feeling depressed but I've never taken them. I think it's because I associate them with "psycho" drugs and I'm not crazy.  My cousin yvonne explained to me the difference between anti-psychotic and anti-depressants which made alot of sense. I don't know, I should try it out and see if it makes me feel better on those days when I'm depressed which seem to happen a couple times a week. <---writing this last sentence made me cry. Admitting that I'm depressed is very difficult for me especially knowing that my son might read this and I don't want to make him sad. I try to be strong and upbeat to everyone but sometimes during my strong and upbeat moments that I appear to you, I'm actually dying inside of depression. I just hid it well. Whew! Got that off my chest. Now you know. The secret is out. It's not been a year yet since I've been on chemo. I guess you'd still consider me a newbie. I'm still learning how to deal with my emotions and I'm hoping it will get better as time goes on.

I'm home in bed the next day after chemo. My symptoms don't usually start for two days but I've been having a stomach ache on and off throughout the night. I'm staying the weekend with my parents and I couldn't eat breakfast. I guess the symptoms are starting slow and early. Will see what's in store this time around. No two chemo symptoms have been the same. Hoping for the best. 

                 Sometimes I feel like this.

I may get depressed sometimes because Hello! I'm battling cancer but I'll never stop fighting. 

Some cancer patience see the word "nope" but I see the word "hope"

If you've made it this far down I appreciate you genuinely interested in what I have to say and that I'm not just being "emotional"

I'm just being as raw as I can with how I'm feeling at the moment. Much live to you all. May God bless you and continue to bless you. We are alive to see another day and I'm so very grateful for that!