Ache in my heart vs Pain in my Throat
The dogs began barking and I heard the front door open. I applied little pressure downward on the extended leg rest on the recliner I was sitting in. The recliner rocked forward and that gave me view of the front door. My son! He's come to visit me! It's been almost a week since I've seen him. Yes we text and yes we talk daily but actually having him here in the flesh makes my heart ache with happiness like you wouldn't believe. He walks over to me and bends down to hug me.
My sissy brought him over to visit and to eat. Mom made aroz con pollo with beans and homemade tortillas. (which filled the house with delicious smells reminding me of my youth) I get up and we make our way to the kitchen. He sits down in front of a hot plate of food and I sit across from him. Happy to talk and just hang out. I crush and disolve my meds in a small cup of water because Its painful to swallow my pills now and also, I get this feeling that my pills get stuck in my throat. No matter how many times I try and swallow it down and drink water I still "feel" like the pills are stuck in my throat. My sister starts looking for my other meds. She looks here and there and almost everywhere. I'm like, what are you doing? And she says she's looking for my anxiety medication they gave me that I don't take. I ask her why and she said because I need to take it cause I'm making myself anxious about my pills getting stuck in my throat. I imagine a little pocket of skin in my esophagus has created a small well that's catching all my pills. I keep drinking hot/warm water to disolve the pills as the liquid passes the well on its way down. Maybe that's why I've been feeling more pain in my back than usual cause the pills aren't being absorbed fully cause they are all being collected in my throat. Soooo, know you see why my sissy was looking for my anxiety pills. Lol. I know it sounds crazy but that's what it feels like.
The night goes by too fast and I'm getting tired. My neck muscles feel tired and I'm depending on the neckbrace to hold my head up. I feel I need to sit back and recline in my chair. My son and my sissy leave and I'm sad to see them go. I'm missing my home but I know I'm getting the best care here. Daddy in the den and mom's in the computer room. I go into the kitchen and stare into the refrigerator. I'm hungry but I can't eat. I grab a pudding and a spoon and sit at the table. I begin to eat the chocolate pudding. I can only swallow less than half a teaspoon at a time. I get half way down the pudding cup and my throat begins to swell up in pain. I had a moment of weakness and allowed my mind to wander. As soon as I felt the swelling in my throat I snapped myself out of the daze. I was thinking of my son and how much i miss/love him, i was thinking of the pain I have with every swallow, I was thinking of the pain in my back, the radiation, the neckbrace, the breast cancer, the port that needs to be put in and the chemo that was coming up. These thoughts snuck in quickly and I got sad. That's when my throat began to swell, the warning my body gives me before I cry, but I snapped myself out of it. Crying caused too much throat pain. I stared into space and tried to control the will to cry but I was overwhelmed with emotion again and I felt my throat swell up and the tears came. I lowered my head and covered my eyes with my hands and began to cry. I tried not to make a sound but every few moments I moaned in sorrow. Daddy lowered the volume on the TV. I knew he heard me. He heard something at least. Not sure if he knew it was me. I held back making any sounds, a few moments passed and he turned the volume back up. I picked up the spoon and took another taste. I was overcome with emotions and again I began to cry. Not caring who heard me even though I tried to keep it down. The pain in my heart was stronger than the pain in my throat. A few moments passed and then mom came into the kitchen, huged me, cried with me and sat with me for a while.
#TeamSweetJean Fundraiser
My sissy brought him over to visit and to eat. Mom made aroz con pollo with beans and homemade tortillas. (which filled the house with delicious smells reminding me of my youth) I get up and we make our way to the kitchen. He sits down in front of a hot plate of food and I sit across from him. Happy to talk and just hang out. I crush and disolve my meds in a small cup of water because Its painful to swallow my pills now and also, I get this feeling that my pills get stuck in my throat. No matter how many times I try and swallow it down and drink water I still "feel" like the pills are stuck in my throat. My sister starts looking for my other meds. She looks here and there and almost everywhere. I'm like, what are you doing? And she says she's looking for my anxiety medication they gave me that I don't take. I ask her why and she said because I need to take it cause I'm making myself anxious about my pills getting stuck in my throat. I imagine a little pocket of skin in my esophagus has created a small well that's catching all my pills. I keep drinking hot/warm water to disolve the pills as the liquid passes the well on its way down. Maybe that's why I've been feeling more pain in my back than usual cause the pills aren't being absorbed fully cause they are all being collected in my throat. Soooo, know you see why my sissy was looking for my anxiety pills. Lol. I know it sounds crazy but that's what it feels like.
The night goes by too fast and I'm getting tired. My neck muscles feel tired and I'm depending on the neckbrace to hold my head up. I feel I need to sit back and recline in my chair. My son and my sissy leave and I'm sad to see them go. I'm missing my home but I know I'm getting the best care here. Daddy in the den and mom's in the computer room. I go into the kitchen and stare into the refrigerator. I'm hungry but I can't eat. I grab a pudding and a spoon and sit at the table. I begin to eat the chocolate pudding. I can only swallow less than half a teaspoon at a time. I get half way down the pudding cup and my throat begins to swell up in pain. I had a moment of weakness and allowed my mind to wander. As soon as I felt the swelling in my throat I snapped myself out of the daze. I was thinking of my son and how much i miss/love him, i was thinking of the pain I have with every swallow, I was thinking of the pain in my back, the radiation, the neckbrace, the breast cancer, the port that needs to be put in and the chemo that was coming up. These thoughts snuck in quickly and I got sad. That's when my throat began to swell, the warning my body gives me before I cry, but I snapped myself out of it. Crying caused too much throat pain. I stared into space and tried to control the will to cry but I was overwhelmed with emotion again and I felt my throat swell up and the tears came. I lowered my head and covered my eyes with my hands and began to cry. I tried not to make a sound but every few moments I moaned in sorrow. Daddy lowered the volume on the TV. I knew he heard me. He heard something at least. Not sure if he knew it was me. I held back making any sounds, a few moments passed and he turned the volume back up. I picked up the spoon and took another taste. I was overcome with emotions and again I began to cry. Not caring who heard me even though I tried to keep it down. The pain in my heart was stronger than the pain in my throat. A few moments passed and then mom came into the kitchen, huged me, cried with me and sat with me for a while.
#TeamSweetJean Fundraiser
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