Breast Cancer Stage 4 My Journey

I haven't had much of an appetite these last few days. Saturday, Sunday and now today. I didn't get to enjoy Christmas Eve or Christmas day yummy to goodness food that mom made. Booo! Y'all know how much I LOVE food. Especially my mom's!        Now I think my tummy wants food. Not sure, my tummy is always bipolar the week after chemo. I get hungry so I go to put something in my mouth then before it hits my lips I get nauseous. I put it away and sit down and then I get hunger pains. Aye aye aye! Guess all I can do is not eat and wait it out like I've done after every chemo session. My stomach keeps making gastric sounds and I actually have hunger pains but when I actually get food in front of me I feel sick to my stomach. This goes on, on and off all day.  To the point where I may not eat that day cause the nausea is that bad. I've gone almost 3 days without eating or drinking. I forced myself to eat soup cause I was feeling weak to the point where I ...

I don't know why I'm so emotional, at times sad. I received great news on my CT results. I feel anyone would be jumping for joy. My cancer has shrunk to under a centimeter! I think I've been holding in my feelings, my hurt, my anger and it's all spilling over. I'd love to say that I'm leaving these emotions in 2016 but im afraid to say I'm probably going to carry them over.        It's hard to be happy when you are the kind of person who wonders about the "what if". What if I let myself be happy and I find out it has come back, it has grown, it has taken over my organs, taken over my body!        Why do I do this to myself? Being told you have cancer, being told it's spread to your lymphnodes, chest, neck, liver and spine then months later your lung. Being told it's stage four and there is no cure, being told you will never be in remission, being told you'll have cancer your entire life. On top of that, still recovering from maj...

Well, I went for my Chemo appointment today.  Wednesday the 21st of December. I was supposed to get it this past Friday but I had a church retreat to attend. I was to do labwork, see my oncologist, get my CT results and get my chemotherapy. Everything was moving along smoothly. Mom was with me this time, sissy had to work. We sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor to go over my labwork which I had the feeling was fine cause my labwork is always fine AND my CT results which was a bit nerve racking cause in previous scans my results showed little to no shrinkage or improvement. The last one showed new growth in my upper right lobe in my right lung! Which was devastating as you can only imagine. Putting my body through the symptoms of chemo every 3 weeks only to be told that it's spread to another organ! This put me in a depression that I hid very well except to my boyfriend Aries. Which I know is not healthy to hide it but I didn't want to worry anyone.    ...

        Having stage four breast cancer I know that it's lifelong. There is no "remission" for me. I will have it till the day I die. That realization is hard for me to accept. I struggle with it every single day. I can't help it and I can't get away from it. It's in every thought and action I do on the daily. I'm having to continue chemo indefinitely every three weeks and it takes a toll on my body. But I also know of people who have lived years with stage four and my goal is to surpass that. I would love to do some of the things I was doing before I was diagnosed. I want to get in my car and go. Being a single parent I would load up my kid and drive to where the wind directed me. I had such freedom. After my spinal surgery in March I was restricted from driving, obviously. I was in a brace with little to no range in motion as far as turning and twisting my body from left to right. I went from a wheelchair, to a walker to nothing at all. I also had ...

Well, I did not expect bad news. It's taken me a couple days to....accept the results of my CT scan. I try not to think of it cause I can't stop the tears of frustration. When your oncologist who is sitting on a stool with wheels rolls up close to you and puts their hand over your hand to give results you know it's not good news. There are no significant changes in the size of my cancer spots/cells, however there is some new growth, spots in the upper lobe to my right lung. She says they're small spots, they're smaller than the size of a grain of rice. Well, last time I checked a grain of rice was pretty big to me when you think of it as cancerous. I'd  rather they be microscopic. Well, as you can imagine I began to sob. I let out a heavy breath of frustration. My treatment is going in the opposite direction. It's supposed to be shrinking my cancer not letting it spread to other organs! The thing with Stage 4 cancer is that it's "life long" t...

Well, chemo was on Friday and it started to kick in Sunday night a bit. I felt tired and lethargic. I didn't eat all day Sunday and took it easy at mom's house. Monday again I felt tired with a bit of a tummy ache. I had a sandwich with chips and some water. Took it easy at mom's till the evening when sister came to get me. Me her and my son hung out. I spoke to my son about how I was feeling. He removed his glasses and wiped his teary eyes. It kills me to see him cry and I hate him seeing me at my worst. I hate that he hurts seeing me sick. I know it's not right but I think I avoid him a bit during the week after chemo. I stay at my mom's and call and text him from there. When I'm feeling better is when I don't mind him seeing me. When I feel more like myself. I don't know if I'm wrong for doing that but I just don't want him to feel more bad. Kind of like that saying "out of sight, out of mind." If he doesn't see me hurting then ...

I had a typical week following treatment. A couple of good days followed by a week of sickness. Fatigue, stomach aches, cramping & twisting, nausea, diarrhea, constipation. A couple of days of not being able to eat. Then I make myself eat cause I start to feel faint. Then I start to come out of it after about 5 to 6 days. Then every day after that I begin to feel like myself and get my appetite back. I'm good for a week, week and a half then I go back for treatment and do it all over again.

Sat down to have dinner with my parents. I was saying that I try to keep myself busy with little things as a distraction or escape. Just to fill my days since I  still can't work at the moment. Then I thought of the cancer and my eyes welled up with tears and I began to quietly cry. I so desperately miss my life. The life I had before finding out I have cancer. Mom looked up at me and said "No meja, don't cry." I said, "I know mom...I just get sad because my life has changed and it will never be the same." She said, "you don't know that, it can be." Then I looked at daddy and he said,  "Maybe it will be better" I took a deep. I never thought of that option. Maybe it WILL be better. Breast cancer treatment fund. You are invited to donate to an awesome cause. You'll be a part of the big picture by improving my quality of life. Thank you ever so kindly.

     A CT was ordered to see what kind of progress the chemo has made thus far. My oncologist said that the cancer has not spread to any other areas. The cancer has not gotten any bigger however it has not shrunk as much as she would have liked at this point. My heart ached hearing this. She sensed that I was not pleased and reiterated that it has not grown AND it has not spread either. She said to give this news it's proper credit for being a small victory. I just couldn't help myself in concentrating on the negative. I don't know why I do that.      My sister asked her what the plan was after my 6th chemo. Will she order radiation, or order surgery to remove my breast(s)? Etc. She said I was to continue chemo indefinitely. This was a shock to my system. I was in disbelief. I felt like the air was sucked out of my world and I couldn't breath. The word sank in, INDEFINITELY. My eyes filled with tears. I tried to slow my heavy breathing. I was on...

     Saw my oncologist on August 12th at 830am. I explained that I hurt my tailbone lifting my suitcase which I'm guessing was around 45lbs. The reason I think it was that heavy is because whenever I've taken a trip/vacation and had to check my luggage it couldn't be over 40lbs or I'd have to pay. Well it felt that heavy give or take a few pounds. Anyhow, I hurt myself and I was in pain. So, she decided to add 2 additional medications to my chemotherapy for that morning. A steroid and a bone strengthener.      I was done with my oncologist and now me and my sister headed over to the chemo room. I got comfy in a recliner then they hooked up to my port. This was around 9am. They gave me my typical 3 medications and the 2 new ones. I had a constant drip of medications until they unhooked me at 4pm. That's 7 hours my friends but I was finally done.      Saturday the 13th was a benefit plate sale in my honor from 12pm to 6pm. So ...

My sleep was interrupted by my alarm. Still asleep I reach over and slapped my phone to snooze. I thought to myself, I still have plenty of time. Ten minutes later, I'm interrupted again by the alarm. Still with a foggy head I reach over and snooze. I told myself I can sleep for another ten minutes, I just won't have time to style my hair. My bed and pillow felt sooooo comfy, it was still dark and it was the perfect temperature that it was worth another ten. I layed and smiled and thought I'll have to sacrifice going about my day with a messy bun because now I really won't have time to straighten or curl. Which was fine cause my messy buns looked to me more like a sassy bun :) I lean over to snuggle my pillow and I'm awoken by a stiffness in my neck. Then I realize that this isn't my work alarm waking me it's my medication alarm. My smile disappears from my face. I won't have to bother with deciding whether or not to straighten or curl my hair cause I h...

Friday, I was happy to see Marsha in my station at chemo today. This sassy but sincere and kind nurse assessed my mediport with little discomfort that lasted but a few seconds. Thank goodness cause if y'all ain't noticed yet, i'm a bit of a scaredy cat. My mom would call it "being a ninny" lol. They've all been nice and compassionate here. Me and sissy got to sit diagonal from each other which was nice. I only felt bad when I saw her leaning her head against the wall to try and get comfy. I offered her my pillow but she wouldn't take it. So, guess what?  Next time I'm bringing an extra little pillow, problem solved. :) We were there about 5 hours. I was done by about 1pm. We meet up with my niece/god-daughter at her appointment down the block. Then she treated me to lunch. Me and sissy headed back to the apartment and took a little nap.         Got up from our nap and headed to a meeting for my fundraiser. Of which my friends put together for me...

          Chemo was Friday, its Sunday night now. I "feel" my upper back muscles to the base of my skull Knotting up tightly and I'm stiffer than usual. I feel like something is penetrating my muscles and quite possibly my nerves. Maybe it's the chemo zapping away the cancer in my spine sending impulses through my muscles. At least that's what I keep telling myself. It's a scary feeling cause I don't know what's really happening back there. Just a feeling of electrical impulses that make me wince. I don't have that sensation in my breast, my lymphnodes, my neck, chest or my liver that I can tell. Those are the other areas they found cancer in me. I'm afraid to move. I'm trying to stay as still as possible right now but I really have to go to the ladies room. I'm sitting here while my leg bounces telling me to get up and go already.           Guess what? Literally, at this very moment, I just "fel...

          Spent the night with my sissy the past couple nights watching movies. Friday I woke up at 630am to leave by 730am for my 8am appointment to see my oncologist for a followup and then to chemotherapy after. This time I had to get dropped off and go solo. My sisters daughter had been in and out of the emergency room with bad morning sickness that lasted all day and night. She was dehydrated as well. Well, that morning she called crying thinking she might have to go back to the ER because nothing seemed to work. They gave her some medication and nausea medication but she was still not able to hold anything down, she was throwing up and had lost 10lbs in about two weeks! So, luckily she lives in the same apartment complex as us. Her boyfriend walked her over before we left. I told my sister that she could drop me off at my appointment and come back to watch over her daughter jenevieve. I would be at my appointment for at least 6 hours a...

So as you all know I cut my waist long locks above my shoulders over a month ago or so. To get used to not having all this hair because chemo would cause me to lose my hair. Then last week my hair started falling out so I got a pixie cut. Then this weekend it began to come out in clumps. It was on my shoulders and back, all over my pillow and shower drain etc. Sissy said I had some bald spots in the back of my head. I broke down and cried. She reminded me that this was to be expected, just something that I have to go through. I wiped up my tears and took a couple deep breaths. I said I need to have it shaved. She said she would take me on Monday (today) or Tuesday. So yeah, I'm losing my hair, I'm going bald.  Yes I'm sad but I'll get over it and I'll get though it, this is just a small bump in the road of my journey. #TeamSweetJean Cancer Treatment Fund

          Last week I just concentrated on getting rest and finishing my medication that I was given from my hospital stay (antiviral & antifungal). I would say my throat is almost healed but I feel a little something in there. I'm not eating or drinking "normal" yet. I have to chew, swallow and drink smaller portions. If not my throat feels slightly irritated and swollen. I hope and pray that that feeling goes away by this Friday when I have my 2nd Chemotherapy treatment.           Last Friday and Saturday I spent the night with my sister. It felt strange to sleep on a bed. I've been sleeping on a recliner that doesn't recline anymore, or in a hospital bed reclined at a 45 degree angle (because of my back) since March. So, yeah it was strange. I just piled up the pillows layed back gently and tried to find a comfy spot. I still have a stiff feeling in my back and neck from my surgery and I'm...

My oncologist said by week 3 after my first chemo my hair would begin to fall out. I tried to prepare myself mentally. It's easy to say I don't care about the hair as long as the chemo is doing its job but I can't lie. I can't explain how I feel. I don't know how to put it into words. I'm not mad, I don't think I feel sad. It's just the realization. My hair in my hands. I should go cut it again really short. Like a pixie cut but I don't know if I should spend money on that seeing that it's just going to be gone in a couple weeks. I just don't want this hair all over the place. Ok maybe I am a bit sad.  #TeamSweetJean Fundraiser

Well, I spoke with Dr. Jude and he said I could start weaning off the neckbrace! Hallelujah! (or so I thought). I took off the neckbrace and sissy said, "look! no more double chin!" Lol That made me smile. She said she needed to borrow it to get rid of hers. I nervously touched my neck and it felt so weird. I know it might sound funny to you but I literally either have the hard plastic neckbrace on or the soft collar one on. Even in the shower I do a quick wash of my neck and the soft collar goes on and stays on till I switch back to the hard one.   I haven't been without a brace since my surgery on March 27th. So yeah, it felt weird to touch my neck. It was probably 15 minutes without it and I started getting the worst headache. Half my face, my head, neck and down to my shoulders. My head felt like a bowling ball and my neck was a noodle. I had to put the brace back on. I loosened the velcro just enough to give me some support. The next day I put on the soft collar and...

I remember the drive home.  My body felt the same as before Chemo. Some upper back/neck tenderness from the surgery that I've become accustomed too. I knew if it wasn't for the pain medication I'd be in a lot of pain. My swallowing was also tender but I was able to get small amounts of soft food down.  My esophagus was still damaged from the radiation I just completed 3 days prior.           We got home and I plopped on my recliner. I can't remember if I'd had anything to eat although I'm sure mom had something made on the stove. I just wanted to relax. Friday my body felt fine, no side effects.  Saturday my brother Simon cleaned the pool and was getting ready for company. It was a holiday that Monday and he was expecting some family to hang around the pool and they began to show up shortly after.  I decided that I felt good enough to go outside and hang out with my cousins. My cousin Christine brought spaghetti and I wa...

          Chemo was scheduled at 9am. I was to take a medication 12 hours prior and then 6 hours prior.  I took it at 9pm the night before and set my alarm for 3am. I woke up at 7am frantic that I slept through the 3am alarm. So many unanswered questions ran through my head.  I didn't know if I had ruined the whole concoction. Was chemo not going to work cause I didn't take the medication at 3am.  Should I take it now or is it too late? Do I need to reschedule the whole thing? I remember I was given a card two days earlier at my teaching appointment with a phone number that patients with cancer can call 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  This was for any questions, concerns or to get a hold of the doctor for emergencies. I called the number and I believe I spoke with Chelsea. She was like..... well, since this is a "medication" question the only thing I can do is leave a message and they will call you back once they open aft...

          Me and mom got in the truck and headed back to the medical center. I was half with it but kinda running on adrenaline or more like stress. I didn't want to be late and the truck was on empty and it was raining here and there throughout the day and I didn't want to get stuck in traffic. Of course we had to stop for gas and that made us a few minutes late. I get to my appt office and there was a line of at least 5 deep and the two people checking in just so happen to be having issues with the patients they were checking in. It felt like everyone in line were shifting their weight and looking over the person in front of them to see what the hold up was at the front desk. People were getting antsy. Mom walks in from parking the truck and I tell her the lines not moving, i'm 10 minutes late now. I don't have any reception on my phone and I can't even call them to tell them I'm here. I then make the decision to just walk back to my docto...

           Sissy said she would get to mom's house by 6am. Outpatient prep was to start at 7am and Mediport Surgery scheduled at 9am. We spoke a little on the way but she knew i was listening to my favorite talk show in the mornings, The Billy Madison Show on 99.5 Kiss. She said my voice sounded much better and it actually felt better too. I noticed when I took my medication that morning.           We got there, checked in and sat in the waiting room that was so cold and I'm never cold. They called me back to change into a gown and slip proof socks. Had me sit up on a bed in the prep area. There must have been 8 to 10 prep beds separated by curtains. Becky started my IV on the top of my right hand as I looked away (cause I don't like needles) I felt her wipe my hand and in between my fingers. I knew I bled and she was cleaning it up. She went and called sissy and gave her my bag of clot...

Man oh man did this week go by sooooo fast. I had a few appointments scheduled. I'm happy I did cause I got alot done.           Tuesday the 24th I had a CT scheduled at my oncologist office.  The tech said I needed to drink at least 1-2 quarts of water before I could do the test and I didn't know. Luckily I had a large plastic cup of water but my throat was so sore. I sipped as much as I could as fast as I could wincing between each swallow. I must of drank about 8 ounces in 5 minutes cause I could only "seep" the water as opposed to "swallow" (does that make sense, I imagine it feels kind of like having strep throat) He kinda looked at the clock on the wall and I knew he had a schedule to keep.  I apologized and explained quickly about my throat.  My appointment was at 1215pm and maybe I was taking time away from his lunch? Who knows, he said I drank enough and took me back. I had a few request because of my neckbrace and n...

           I'm not tired enough to sleep. Grrr! I'm too anxious because I'm have surgery tomorrow bright and early.  I'm having a Port placed on my chest. This will make it easier for them to administer Chemo. Everyone I've talked to who has one says it's so much more convenient.  I'm happy to hear that cause surgery scares me to be quite honest. Even if it is an outpatient procedure.  For those of you that don't know me very well, I can be a bit of a scaredy cat. Leaving at 6am, surgery at 7am and hopefully I'll be out of there by noon. I pray that everything goes well.           As far as my throat is concerned I may have noticed the slightest improvement when I had my soup around 3pm which gives me hope that things are healing but when I had my fruit smoothie around 6pm I had difficulty again. Which made me sad.  Mornings and evenings are the worst.  Maybe the soup wen...

Breast Cancer Journey: Ache in my heart vs Pain in my Throat :            The dogs began barking and I heard the front door open. I applied little pressure downward on the extended leg rest on the recli...

           The dogs began barking and I heard the front door open. I applied little pressure downward on the extended leg rest on the recliner I was sitting in. The recliner rocked forward and that gave me view of the front door.  My son!  He's come to visit me! It's been almost a week since I've seen him.  Yes we text and yes we talk daily but actually having him here in the flesh makes my heart ache with happiness like you wouldn't believe.  He walks over to me and bends down to hug me.            My sissy brought him over to visit and to eat.  Mom made aroz con pollo with beans and homemade tortillas. (which filled the house with delicious smells reminding me of my youth) I get up and we make our way to the kitchen.  He sits down in front of a hot plate of food and I sit across from him. Happy to talk and just hang out.  I crush and disolve my meds in a ...

          There are times in my day that I allow myself to "let it out" so to speak. Someone says something that makes me sad or asks me about my son. Sometimes my sadness just rises to the surface and I have to let out a few tears. I pretty much can control my emotions, for the most part. I put on a brave face and push through it. I say positive and encouraging things to myself. I pray to myself.  I'm my own cheerleader.            Well, as you all know, my throat has been hurting me like you wouldn't believe.  It feels like my tonsils are swollen along with my throat. They feel irritated and inflamed.  It hurts me to even swallow my pain medication. Sometimes the pill gets stuck in my throat and I have to keep sipping liquid to get it down or at least disolve it where it's at.  It's worse in the mornings. I did get numbing liquid medication to gargle with but for some r...